Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Esposito’s beard/merkin marriage has failed after a mere four months. The two B listers were hitched around the holidays last year after what we (and, presumably, Victor Garber) considered a rather surprising courtship.
No word on who’s getting custody of the couple’s numerous failed pilots and TV series, but we do know that Cooper just finished filming a movie with Renee Zellweger. Wait a minute - maybe she needs a new gay husband! And Esposito just shot a pilot with Christina Applegate, so if it goes to series, perhaps the two can commiserate on how hard it is to make a marriage work when your husband is prettier than you.
Hilariously, Cooper’s rep admits that the two have been separated “for quite a while,” which, in a 4-month marriage, kind of suggests that they weren’t really that serious about it in the first place.
Wedding crashed: Esposito and Cooper split [TMZ]
What is it with gawky twinks this week? Just as America anoints Shia LaBeouf its newest Star Who Can Open a Movie, a lawsuit over a mold infestation has led to the attempted outing of Justin Berfield.
You know, the second-oldest brother on Malcolm in the Middle, the one who you denied having a crush on, but couldn’t help looking up his IMDb page just to make sure that he was 18? (Maybe that was just us.) He’s apparently not only gay but partnered, and the mold problem has driven him into the home of Jessica Simpson (that is one tragic selection of hag, JB).
Better yet, the crafty bitches at Datalounge have dug up Berfield’s bf’s Friendster profile. Which tells us nothing, except that he’s (mon dieu!) 30 and prone to Vaseline-slathered glamour shots.
‘Malcolm’ star Justin Berfield gay? [Post Chronicle]
The publicists of Shane West and Ashton Holmes are denying earlier reports that that the two were making out at a GQ event a couple weeks ago. In fact, Shane’s flack isn’t just denying it - he finds it “laughable.” A gay actor?! Outrageous!!!
(In case you’re not as down with hot, minor celebrities as we are, Shane has been doing time on ER for a couple years, and Ashton played Viggo Mortensen and Maria Bello’s son in A History of Violence, a character that was pretty strongly implied to be gay. Ashton is heavily gayfaced and looks about 17, though IMDb lists his age at a birthday-cake-immolating 29.)
Next to these two, the ever-semi-closeted Jodie Foster looks like a model of pride. She and longtime partner Cydney Bernard were spotted with the young ‘uns at the premiere of Disney’s Meet the Robinsons. Lesbians are so wholesome.
Shane West and Ashton Holmes ‘aren’t’ fucking [Queerty]
Celebrity babies meet the Robinsons [JustJared]
It’s the one story that Perez Hilton can’t scoop because he’s not one for irony and it would be like pot calling the rosebud dewy.
Perhaps there’s a time in every gay child star’s life where he actually thinks people forget what he looks like, and that he might be able to get away with posting nude pictures of himself on a m4m hookup site (links NSFW). But did little Danny Pintauro really expect all of us gays to not recognize those vacant doe eyes, magnificent dimples, and partially obscured Danza. No sir!
I for one recall having a terrible crush on young Jonathan Bower way back when Judith Light had a full head of glorious hair. And before you call me a pervert, keep in mind that I was actually younger than Jonathan Bower at the time. But it’s so nice to know that the lad has grown to fill out a jock strap so nicely! I do feel bad, however, that he’s not off jet setting around with a somewhat elderly, rich, tanning bed queen, and is instead trolling adam4adam for action, but at least we know he’s not spending all his residuals getting his chest waxed.
It does baffle me that he didn’t make a reference to his stint on Circus of the Stars in the personal ad. Maybe if he highlighted his trapeze skills, he’d have a better response rate.
He’s the Boss? [Pink is the New Blog]
Perez Hilton Exposed [Faded Youth]
The city of New York can finally breathe a collective sigh of relief: Asstress Natasha Lyonne turned herself in today on charges dating back to 2004 of trespassing, mischief, harassment, and threatening to molest her neighbor’s dog. The same incident resulted in an eviction by her landlord, Michael Rappaport, who delivered the notice with failed humor, not surprisingly.
Frankly, we’re impressed that Lyonne is still alive after last year’s debacle where she went missing and showed up days later with a collapsed lung and a case of the Hep-C. Authorities had followed her track marks for days before finding the homeless performer end-to-end on a piece of spaghetti with a Doberman pinscher. It’s good to know that she’s now well enough to pull herself together and face the music for - it bears repeating - threatening to molest a dog.
Natasha, I have so many questions for you! Was it national Do Something That Would Even Make Courtney Love Blush day? Does black tar heroin make you sexually attracted to things that smell like kennel? What kind of dog was it? Because if it was a Weimaraner , I can kind of see where you’re coming from. They’re just so pretty…
We really do hope you’re able to make a full recovery from the gallimaufry of things that ail you, because “But I’m a Cheerleader” is definitely in our top-10 favorite gay interest films of all time and, uh, it would be terrible to die while being known only as “‘American Pie’ actress” and “that girl who threatened to fuck a dog.”
‘American Pie’ actress turns herself in at court [CNN]
‘American Pie’ star’s fight for life [MSNBC]
Just when you thought T.R. Knight had nudged the closet door open a bit for male TV stars, Neil Patrick Harris decides to re-assert his heterosexuality, despite the fact that even my grandmother knows he’s been dating stage actor David Burtka for years.
Is there anyone left on earth who honestly believes that, if Harris started casually acknowledging his “persuasion” (to use the publicist’s parlance), it would jeopardize his status as pussyhound third-banana on the moderately successful How I Met Your Mother? He looks more and more like David Hyde Pierce with each passing week.
Not such Sean Hayes has such a low-wattage, obviously gay star gone to such lengths to stay in the closet. The jig is up, Neil. Unless Doogie Howser’s M.D. stood for “massive denial,” there’s no excuse for such foolishness. Fire your management team if they disagree. If anything, casually, quietly coming out at this point would probably get you an Emmy nomination for Mother.
Neil Patrick Harris publicist: He’s not gay [Towleroad]
Content to be chiefly known as Lance Bass’ arm candy no more, Reichen has opened up (tee hee) about the sexual assault he suffered at the hands of his fellow cadets while in the Air Force Academy.
What’s the occasion for the former Richard’s sudden disclosure? In his unwieldily titled new tome, Here’s What We’ll Say: Growing Up, Coming Out, and the U.S. Air Force Academy, Reichen says that his “shame” has kept him from revealing the secret until now. That, and the fact that he hadn’t had a book to promote. Once you’ve starred in a beefcake calendar in which you’re cupping your entire junk with one driving-glove-covered hand, we’re pretty sure “shame” becomes a non-issue.
Our sympathy goes out to Big R as it would to any other sex abuse survivor, but it’s all over but the cryin’ at Datalounge, where they boys can’t decide whether Herr Lehmkuhl is courageous or an opportunist (it’s possible to be both).
We’re just glad Lance finally has an explanation as to why Reichen recoils when they touch, and wakes up screaming in the night. As to why he can occasionally be heard weeping softly and saying, “Why couldn’t I have Justin instead?”, well, that’s a question for the ages.
Lance’s pal: Assaulted at AF Academy [NY Daily News]
Reichen raped [Datalounge]
Ted Casablanca over at E! Online is trying to out another male star - a married one this time, one whose man-on-man proclivities are obvious to all but his missus. And the readers over at Defamer, using said criteria, are guessing it’s about Star and Big Gay Al.
But why? Ted’s alias for the closet case is “Plumper Dumper,” implying a fatty - which Mr. Reynolds is most certainly not. Our shortlist of chubby, married celebrity closet cases includes John Travolta and Matthew Broderick (did you see him in that Producers remake? Boy howdy, Ferris Bueller has blown up like Beirut).
Ted asserts that the wife is completely unaware of her hubby’s proclivities. This seems to rule out Travolta’s beard, Kelly Preston. Sure, she’s a notorious space case (“Scientology rocks!”), and was dumb enough to take a role in Jack Frost, but that marriage seems like a classic, contractually obligated Sci-Fi-tology bearding setup.
Nope, my money’s on Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker. Ted’s alias for the cuckolded wife is “Bertha Broom-Rider,” implying “witch,” like the one SJP played in Hocus Pocus. Plus, he subsequently refers to her as “BBR” - three initials, like SJP. And if Broderick is gay, it’s hard to imagine the much-more-famous-and-powerful Sarah Jessica seeing much benefit to playing the beard. Somehow it’s easier to believe that she’s just too self-absorbed to notice.
Your thoughts?
One quelle surprise blind vice [E! Online]
The blind item guessing game [Defamer]
Anderson Cooper somehow managed to write an entire memoir without directly referring to his own sexuality. Highlights include “How I lost my virginity to…somebody” and “I felt really alienated and different during my adolescence…for some reason that I can’t really discuss. Wait - it was my father’s death. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Dead Dad.” Vanity Scare re-packages the obfuscation into an even vaguer excerpted cover story. Apparently he spent a large portion of his childhood hanging out with Truman Capote and Andy Warhol. You don’t say. [Vanity Fair]
Geena Davis’ career remains smothered in loser dust, as Commander in Chief (aka The President Used Tampons) gets the long kiss goodnight to cutthroat island. But what will become of First Hottie Matt Lanter?! [Zap2It]
The new full-length trailer for Superman Returns will leave you as stiff as Brandon “Rhymes With Mouth” Routh’s delivery. It’s official: Kevin Spacey and Frank Langella have morphed into the same bald, queeny, middle-aged character actor. [Apple Movie Trailers]
Published by Rob on May 1, 2006
in Anal and TV.
Part I: Lessons of The Sopranos
- In New Hampshire, there exists a small, idyllic town filled with handsome, rugged, masculine homosexuals. We’ll call it “Gayberry.”
- These men work hard cooking up hearty meals in the local diner, and rescuing children from burning buildings. If you’re an obese, middle-aged mobster, you can beat the shit out of one of them, and then a short time later, be making sweet love to him on the vast, beautiful, sandy beach.
- New Hampshire has a vast, beautiful, sandy beach.
- Two people can have an intelligible conversation while riding two separate motorcycles.
Part II: Lessons of Desperate Housewives
- Retards are dangerous, and don’t know their own strength.
- Especially those black ones.
- White girls beware!
- Poisoning your mentally ill son is a plausible alternative to allowing him to be confined to a mental institution.
First, a note on The Sopranos’ much-touted gay storyline: As my New Hampshire-born lesbian friend put it, if a town like that existed, everyone would know about it. And, I’m sorry, if Vito’s getting laid, there needs to be some explicit mention of chubby chasers or bear bars. Otherwise we’re just not buying it.
As for DH, we’re not even talking about shark-jumping. We’re talking about breeding genetically engineered, super-intelligent sharks like the ones in Deep Blue Sea, then jumping them. Last night featured Nicollette Sheridan getting tackled by three Hooters girls amidst a pile of chicken wings, and that was the artistic high point. How the “retard-chained-in-the-basement” storyline hasn’t elicited boycotts from both NAMI and the NAACP is beyond my comprehension. By the time we made it to Eva Longoria’s climactic “I want my baby back!” meltdown - a performance that would guarantee her freedom from only the wettest of paper bags - I was so exasperated I almost started reading.
At least Family Guy is offensive on purpose.
