So Joan and Melissa have been booted off the TV Guide Channel, their safety red-carpet outlet after having been bounced from E! (where they were initially supplanted by Miss Star Jones Reynolds).
What a burn…and to be replaced by harelipped has-been Lisa Rinna, who rode a couple of years on The Bold and the Beautiful and a marriage to equally lame ’80s throwback Harry Hamlin to inexplicable semi-fame. It must really hurt.
Old Joan may be past her prime, as her recent Bravo special illustrated, but for better or worse, she is the founding Grande Dame of Red Carpet Mania, and should be treated with some respect in that regard. And as much as I used to disdain Melissa for being a talentless, dogfaced opportunist, compared to the E!-vil Giuliana dePandi and Ryan Seacrest, her Rabelaisian wit is a credit to the medium of television.
Bottom line: We know a few old-school homos who are going to be pretty upset about this news. Meanwhile, Joan’s blog hints at forthcoming revenge, and I for one can’t wait for it.
Joan & Melissa replaced by ‘Dancing’ fembot [TMZ]
Stay tuned for new news [Joan Rivers Blog]
The latest news in the ongoing saga of Terry McMillan’s failed marriage to her young, gay husband: She’s suing him for $40 million. The idea is that the DL dude, Jonathan Plummer, owes Terry for damage to her reputation: namely, that the author of Waiting to Exhale and How Stella Got Her Groove Back would be dumb enough to fall for the wiles of a golddigging young homosexual (who is, sadly, far less attractive than Taye Diggs, who basically played him in the movie; he looks more like the barback at an Al Reynolds toga party).
Uh, Terry, if you’re so concerned about the details of your marital flameout (so to speak), why did you talk about it (with Plummer) on Oprah? I’m still a little surprised that the Big O devoted a show to this topic anyway - wasn’t she concerned that it would give Stedman ideas?
Terry McMillan sues ex-husband for $40 million [People]
You may best know Mary-Louise Parker as the pot-dealing suburban mom on Weeds, or as one half of cinema’s most overtly coded lesbian love affair in Fried Green Tomatoes, but we enjoy her most as the jilted ex of that douchebag Billy Crudup. The breakup wasn’t just bad, it was Shakespearean (if you recall, Billy left the pregnant MLP practically in the stirrups, and for terminally bland Claire Danes, who has since dumped him).
Now, Mary-Louise has gone from spurned single mom to cool single mom with this Esquire piece about, among other things, why James Blunt is a douchebag. It’s actually about how she’s trying to instill decent music taste in her son, even though he’s only 3, and how she’s genuinely worried that there’ll be nothing decent for him to listen to by the time he comes of age.
Don’t bother asking her former rival Claire for her opinions on the pussification of pop culture, though. She’s too busy being upstaged by Patrick Wilson’s calves (and Ethel Merman’s pipes) in that infernal Gap commercial.
Why are singers such pussies? [Esquire]
Claire Danes/Patrick Wilson - the Gap commercial [YouTube]
The CG-heavy lube-and-sandals epic 300 made tons and tons of money this weekend. It apparently had the biggest opening ever for a March release, and the third-biggest R-rated opening of all time (behind…ick…The Passion of Mel’s Anti-Semitism). It’s good to see dreamy Scottish actor Gerard Butler expanding his fan base from the mouth-breathing queens who worship Phantom of the Opera to the mouth-breathing closet nerds who love violent video games featuring musclebound, codpiece-wearing heroes.
300 isn’t the only new movie featuring scores of barely clad male actors. Terrence Howard’s new high school swim team drama Pride looks extremely Speedo-heavy. But if you go expecting a boyflesh bonanza, don’t tell Terrence - his Christian upbringing (and, presumably, gayvoice) has forced him to struggle to tolerate homosexuality as he would other ’sins.’ On behalf of gays everywhere, Terrence, thank you for your sensitivity (insert eyeroll here).
‘300′ bows to $70 million, sets new March record [Hollywood Reporter]
‘Pride’ trailer [Apple Movie Trailers]
Actor Terrence Howard: ‘There will never be a gay rapper’ [Post Chronicle]
We were asleep at the switch during Tranny Annie’s latest stunt (why Ms. Coulter, we LOVE the way your Adam’s apple trembles when you say “faggot!”). All we could think about is how awesome it would be if super-dreamy John Edwards were gay. Here, Aaron Shure makes a good case for Coulter as the real-life Borat. Meanwhile, in London, a naked Daniel Radcliffe goes on trial for blinding six Ann Coulters in Equus. [Huffington Post]
Royal rapscallions Wills and Harry have fun with the QE2 voicemail. Poor Liz - first Helen Mirren, now this! [Monsters and Critics]
America loves gay panic jokes! Faced with the option of seeing Wild Hogs, a star vehicle for John Travolta, Martin Lawrence and Tim Allen, audiences decided that three wrongs, in this case, make a right. Reviews site an overwhelming reliance on comic “misunderstandings” that cause Travolta, Lawrence, Allen and William H. Macy’s characters to be mistaken for (the horror!) gays. Between this and his upcoming drag role in Hairspray, Revolta’s closet issues are writ large in multiplexes this year. In this case, they also kicked the ass of David Fincher’s Zodiac, which is A) brilliant and B) features much hotter actors. Go figure. [Box Office Mojo]
A day after being raked over the red carpet coals by fashion critics for her blah cocoa-colored gown and absurd tinfoil shrug, Jennifer Hudson has denounced the Oscar de la Renta gown, calling it her only Oscar night regret. Dlisted interprets this as a slap in the face to Vogue editor/soul queen Andre Leon Talley, who apparently strong-armed J Hud into wearing the outfit, then kept fawningly referring to her as “the new people’s princess!” in his cringe-inducing ABC red carpet preshow.
One can imagine Talley’s response to the Hudson diss:
Oooooh, girleena! I do not expect no people’s princess to be readin’ me like that! I caught a glimpse of Anika Noni Rose at the Governor’s Ball, and let me tell you, she is the new Glamazona, High Fashion Empress of Spaceship Earth!
I think he looks and sounds like what might happen if Al swallowed Star.
Blame Andre [DListed]
Paul McCartney’s single-legged ex-wife Heather Mills is going to be on next season’s “Dancing with the Stars.” Our prediction is that she’ll be the first contestant ever to be eliminated in the Hokey Pokey round.
“The song told me to put my left leg in, and I just panicked!” Mills will claim.
Mills to compete on ‘Dancing with the Stars’ [CNN]
And USA Today wins the award for Most Unfortunate Headline of the week.
For those who’ve seen Factory Girl (my apologies if you have - it’s dreadful), didn’t Sienna’s two-tone hair, buck teeth and raccoon eyes call to mind none other than Amy Sedaris as Jerri Blank? Every time Sienna-as-Edie would throw one of her amphetamine-induced tantrums, I kept picturing Jerri running into a large public gathering and screaming, “I got somethin’ to say!”
Hayden Christensen’s performance as the Bob Dylan manque will lose him many future roles. He needs to exclusively play petulant, unsympathetic Ivy League undergrads and retire by 30.
What’s a two-letter word for Sienna Miller? [USA Today]
Publicists, there’s really no surer way to make your client look gay than to plant back-to-back stories about him hooking up with Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Biel within a matter of weeks. Not that Justin Timberlake pings to me in any significant way - it’s just that ditching Cameron Diaz for the women that Esquire Magazine named the world’s sexiest in ‘05 and ‘06 seems either a complete act of fantasy or an incredibly callous way to diss your elderly ex.
Poor Cameron is probably crying into her Proactiv and slowly chanting, “At least The Holiday did well overseas…”
Hey, and did you know that they also show movies at Sundance?
Biel visits Justin at Sundance; World braces for Cameron sh-tfit [US Weekly]
Sad news today for Nicole Kidman, who was taken to the hospital after a car accident on the set of her upcoming film The Invasion. What’s sad isn’t just the crash itself - although we feel bad for Nic; doesn’t she shatter easily? - it’s that they’re still shooting The Invasion, a moribund-sounding Invasion of the Body Snatchers ripoff that was originally supposed to be released last August. Oh well, at least it means Nicole gets to spend more time on set with Daniel Craig. Mmmm, Daniel Craig…
In more metaphorical Celebrity Car Wreck news, what are we to make of the fact that Celestia Heche has dumped her husbear (the adorably named Coleman “Coley” Laffoon) for her Men in Trees co-star, James Tupper? Is Anne done with pussy forever? Is this just a publicity stunt to drum up ratings for Trees, which loses boatloads of viewers from its Grey’s Anatomy lead-in? Maybe they should just get Cynthia Stevenson to call Anne a dyke in front of some reporters.
Kidman in crash during L.A. movie shoot [AP]
Anne Heche leaves husband for co-star [I’m Not Obsessed]
