Archive for the 'Celebs' Category

Don’t worry - we’re still Gyllenhaalics

Published by Rob on October 17, 2007 in Celebs and Films. 0 Comments

Today I realized that this blog’s erstwhile object of obsession - not Star Jones, the other one - has gone unremarked upon for far too long.

So because his new movie Rendition opens Friday, it seems as good a time as any to re-pledge our Gyllenhysteria. He’s been making the talk show rounds this week, rocking a fierce beard (the furry kind, not the Reese Witherspoon kind). Look how cute he is when Meredith Vieira inadvertently makes a bottoming joke at his expense (that saucy minx). Plus, who can resist an actor under 30 who’s classy enough to wear a nice suit on Letterman?

So even though Rendition is getting lousy reviews, and Jake looks like he’s in over his head as a morally conflicted CIA agent, and it’s opening in my city the same day as 10 jillion other Serious Adult Dramas that I’m going to try to see in one weekend (wouldn’t it be easier if they all just merged into one star-studded Oscar-baiter called Sleuthing for Things Lars and the Real Girl Lost in the Fire on Reservation Road, But We’re Pretty Sure They’re Gone Baby Gone?), I’ll still line up for Jake’s first. Sigh…

Jake Gooberballs appears on Letterman [Towleroad]

And you thought Ellen only cared about pussy

Published by Rob on October 16, 2007 in Celebs and TV. 0 Comments

Ellen DeGeneres’ puppy breakdown on today’s show (I’m not synopsizing it or bothering to embed the video, God knows you’ve seen it) initially struck me as being bizarrely out of character.

Then I remembered late-’90s Ellen, the emotional one who did America the great disservice of Shoving Homosexuality Down Its Throat. That Ellen could easily have been choked up by a stray, abused animal. In fact, she did, if you count Anne Heche.

Part of me thinks that this uncharacteristic vulnerability of Ellen 2.0 is just our gal giving The View a run for its crazy. But Big E runs the risk of re-alienating her hausfrau viewers - you know, the ones who don’t like their celebrities having opinions about things. Even cute dogs.

So in the end, I guess the most surprising part of the experience was her claim that she sees her hair stylist every day. I honestly wouldn’t have guessed.

Animal Rescue Dept: Ellen DeGeneres’ scrappy lapdog meltdown [Defamer]

PEN15 Drippings: 10/10/07

Published by Rob on October 10, 2007 in Career Suicide and Celebs. 1 Comment

After seven long years, eternally twinkalicious Ryan Phillippe is free of the Pointy-Chinned Menace! Free! [AP via Yahoo!]

Blow-han describes her rehab experience as “sobering.” In other news, my last airplane flight was “uplifting.” And when I stood on the people-mover on the way to the gate, it, like, totally “moved” me.

Lindsay claims she’s about to shoot a movie called Dare to Love Me, and I think it’s cute that she thinks it’s going to get a theatrical distribution deal. [MSN]

Drunken, maniac dyke Michelle Rodriguez prepares for the full Chained Heat experience, as she’s been sentenced to 180 days in jail. Study those Linda Blair movies, Michelle, and just remember: Stay away from plungers. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. [DListed]

Oh my God, it’s John Krasinski in the shower (sort of SFW, depending on where you, um, W). We’re gonna need to be alone for a few minutes. [WinterTyppe]

Midlife crisis Monday

Published by Rob on October 8, 2007 in Celebs, Famous PEN15s and Waxing Techniques. 3 Comments

Oh, to be a successful, fortysomething multimillionaire with rugged yet carefully manicured good looks at the top of your professional game. Regardless of sexual orientation, when you’ve attained all of your life’s goals and are still sort of young enough to be considered hot, it can lead you to act out in strange ways.

Tom Ford, who famously substituted himself for a balking Rachel McAdams on that cadaver-slab of a Vanity Fair cover, has found yet another opportunity to act out what is apparently every designer’s fantasy: to be a model! In this month’s Out, Tom and his Aging Queen Bikini Brief Tan Line can be seen cavorting in the shower with a couple of naked male models (complete with “macho” towel-snapping!). Does anybody else want to be a fly on the wall during the meetings in which Tom helpfully “offers” to appear, clothed or not, in these fashion spreads?

Halfway to the other end of the Kinsey scale (allegedly), we have Confirmed Bachelor George Clooney, who’s recovering from his recent motorcycle accent with his former reality show contestant girlfriend (and really, what says Heterosexual Midlife Crisis louder than that?). George is likely to eventually bankrupt poor Michelle Pfeiffer with the marriage-and-kids bet they made while shooting One Fine Day more than a decade ago. What Michelle doesn’t understand is that a settled-down George will never have the appeal of George the Model-Dating Playboy Who Has Probably Let Scott Caan Go Down on Him Once or Twice.*

*We like to imagine.

Tom Ford is a towel snapper [Towleroad]
George Clooney and Michelle Pfeiffer raise the stakes [Starpulse]

Oral-Town

Published by Jordan on October 2, 2007 in Career Suicide, Celebs, Music and News. 2 Comments

I always thought that if I were to sit down and sketch out a caricature of a sleezy pederast, the outcome would look roughly like Lou Pearlman. Y’know, big lips, sausage hands, Transitions™ lenses, the whole nine.

So, for me, it’s only just desserts finding out that, had I been in a boy band, my parents probably would have had a legitimate reason for not allowing me to accept rides home from uncle Lou.

The next issue of Vanity Fair, hitting stands this week, reveals that the creator of such mantastickness as The Backstreet Boys and ‘NSync developed his Midas touch by training teenaged boys to sing into a skin microphone. Specifically, his skin microphone. Test one-fucking-two-three.

So far all of us still wondering who Joey Fatone had to fuck to earn his fame, the answer is the Fat-one.

Stories range from some innocent towel-clad wrestling, to aura-reviving massages, to plain ol’ oral sex. Oh, and mandatory games of hide-and-gang-bang-Lance-Bass.

Notably, none of the formerly-young pop stars have actually come forward with accusations of first-hand abuse, so don’t be so sure that the ol’ Pearl(man) Necklace™ is how Justin Timberlake got such a buttery voice.

Sordid Tales from the World of Boy Bands [CBS News Showbuzz]

Short circuit party

Published by Rob on October 1, 2007 in Career Suicide, Celebs and Famous PEN15s. 1 Comment

In the biggest Guttenberg-related literary development since the invention of the printing press, ’80s comedy star Steve Guttenberg emerged from his Mystic tanning booth long enough to tell Ben Widdicombe that he’s been asked to write a memoir. Like, for people to buy and read.

When a has-been this vanilla descends from planet Loser Dust to regale us with his life story, it can only mean one thing: He’s finally coming out of the closet. Guttenberg’s penchant for the man-sex is no secret. I mean, take a look at this photo.

We just can’t wait to hear the story of how he had to beg to convince Ron Howard that he was butch enough to play the sexy youngster in Cocoon.

Guttenberg knows the ropes [NY Daily News]

Rob’s Wednesday enemies list

Published by Rob on September 26, 2007 in Bitches, Celebs, Films, Gunts and TV. 1 Comment

katewalshe_caulf_7671685_400.jpgSo it’s come to this: I’m officially just listing people and things that are pissing me off at the moment. Ready? I am. Here goes:

Gen. Peter Pace. Dude, we know that the Lord told you to hate gays. But even you acknowledge that there are “wonderful Americans who happen to be homosexual serving in the military.” So wouldn’t you think that, especially during wartime (or, as it’s apparently known from here on in, “time”), the tactful approach would be to just not mention it for awhile? Let alone in a public forum? Again?

Kate Walsh. In the grand tradition of Sarah Jessica Parker, Debra Messing and Jennifer Aniston, television network executives, the E! channel and In Style have colluded to try to convince the American public that a pleasant enough-looking actress is the epitome of glamor. But while those actresses actually had decent comic timing and the good fortune to star in shows that were at least pretty good for awhile, Walsh evinces all the charisma of that woman who ran over your foot with her jogging stroller at Starbucks yesterday morning. And Private Practice, premiering tonight, has to be DOA. Please.

First Look. This hit-starved independent distributor doesn’t have enough money to release two of its splashy Sundance premieres in theaters, so it’s shunting them off to DVD in February. In the process, it’s providing a big slap in the face to some high-level talent. Smiley Face isn’t just an Anna Faris stoner vehicle (though I admire Ah-na’s moxie in bitching to the press about this), it’s also director Gregg Araki’s follow-up to the excellent Mysterious Skin and co-stars PEN15 Club honorary husbear John Krasinski. An American Crime, meanwhile, stars the awesome Catherine Keener in the true story of a woman who coerced her own children and a neighborhood full of others into torturing an orphaned girl (Ellen Page). I want to see these movies at my local Landmark, dammit!

Thus ends the Wednesday enemies list. Thanks for sharing in the venom!

Joint Chiefs Chairman Peter Pace goes out with a bigoted bang [Towleroad]
Anna Faris isn’t smiling [MTV.com]

Emmy ruminations, or “What the fuck did Sally Field say?”

Published by Rob on September 16, 2007 in Celebs and TV. 0 Comments

279ferreraamerica.jpgThe Emmys just ended seconds ago, so I’m gonna rattle off a list of observations:

1.) Did Ryan Seacrest think that pointing out who did Eva Longoria’s hair and wardrobe would make him seem less gay?

2.) Could the FOX product placement have been any more blatant? Having Kelsey “I marry a new blonde every 6 months” Grammer and Patty “Thank you Jesus and Terry Schiavo” Heaton present best comedy was a real low point. Also, the pathetically clumsy “We know about new media and user-generated content!” through-line was laughable - see the clips of best comedy nominees broadcast on iPhones.

3.) I dug the fact that the Roots tribute was notably OJ-free.

4.) James Spader took the Candice Bergen honorary citation for Most Ashamed Winner.

5.) The Ricky Gervais victory was a nice surprise, in that it prevented Tony Shalhoub from having to be as ashamed as Spader.

6.) America Ferrera’s “I’m just a girl with a dream” shtick is getting really old. She’s officially the Hilary Swank of primetime television.

7.) I realize that the networks are terrified of FCC fines, but couldn’t they have found a more elegant way to censor content than the awkward cut to the mirrorball closeup with muted sound? This happened three times: During Ray Romano’s opening bit (if you’re bleeping Ray Romano, you’ve officially reverted to Puritanism), Katherine Heigl’s “Oh shit!” and Sally Field’s bizarre, discursive anti-war (?) diatribe. (We’re assuming it was anti, as she mostly just repeated the word “war,” like, four times.)

8.) Nothing against Jaime Pressly, but Jenna Fischer’s loss is a bizarre miscarriage of justice.

9.) Jeremy Piven’s hairpiece needs to be stopped.

10.) The Jersey Boys need to be stopped.

11.) Tony Bennett needs to be stopped.

PEN15 Drippings: Exposed Prick Edition

Published by Rob on September 12, 2007 in Bitches, Career Suicide, Celebs and Famous PEN15s. 3 Comments

eastern-promises-trlr1.jpgFull frontal male nudity is all the rage (again), with Viggo Mortensen leading the charge in Eastern Promises this weekend. I love it when gay directors use their clout with A-list hotties to expose them for the greater good. Thank you, David Cronenberg! [New York Observer]

Apparently when Ja Rule said “Every thug needs a lady,” he meant to imply, “and not another thug, because homosexuality is what’s ruining America’s children, and not an increasingly bankrupt hip hop culture that promotes canned fetishization of bling and ass over artistic innovation and self-expression.” [Queerty]

Kind of old news, but I had to give a shout-out to the fact that every pederast’s favorite pundit, Bill Donohue of the Catholic League, has his panties in a twist over Kathy Griffin’s hilarious Emmy speech, in which she was, for the record, not making fun of religion itself, but of self-absorbed, faux-pious celebrities that invoke it in on the awards show podium. Not that there’s anything wrong with making fun of religion itself, Godboy. [AP]

J. Hud gets back on the horse

Published by Rob on September 10, 2007 in Career Suicide and Celebs. 0 Comments

9619.jpgLet me start off today by saying that the PEN15 Club has always made a policy of not discussing Britney Spears. She bores us, we’ve never been consumers of any of her “art,” and we’d rather just pretend that she never existed. In that spirit, I won’t be mentioning last night’s MTV fiasco, which I didn’t watch live but caught later after numerous text messages insisted it was unmissable. The whole spectacle was too depressing to comment on, but I will say that I was reminded of two moments in classic film history: 1) Gwen Welles’ narcotized striptease (which she’s sure is her big break) toward the end of Nashville and 2) King Kong, doped and chained on the stage of a Broadway theater.

Anyway, on to the news of the day. It’s long been theorized that Best Supporting Actress Oscar winners are doomed to dismal careers after they win the gold statue (have you seen Mercedes Ruehl lately?). I would argue that the Academy has disproved this urban legend lately by awarding a healthy mixture of bona fide stars (Catherine Zeta-Jones, Renee Zellweger, Cate Blanchett) and addictively hireable character actresses (Judi Dench, Marcia Gay Harden). Heck, even Marisa Tomei and Mira Sorvino have highly anticipated prestige pics from top directors opening this fall.

Jennifer Hudson, this year’s winner, was always going to be a tough post-Oscar sell. Juicy roles for zaftig African American women are not particularly easy to come by. But who would have predicted that she would follow up the win by playing Sarah Jessica Parker’s assistant in the doomed Sex and the City movie? Good God, how busy could Wanda Sykes be?

Somewhere, Geena Davis and Brenda Fricker are swimming in schadenfreude.

Hudson moves to ‘Sex and the City’ movie [Hollywood Reporter]