The PEN15 Club

The PEN15 Club hope you all had a happy Halloween. And now that all of the candy has been counted and the razor blades have been fished out from the apples, we’d like to take a moment to reflect upon some of this season’s best Halloween costumes.

1. Pre-withdrawal Harriet Myers: A clever politico may have accomplished this look by strapping a dead squirrel to her head, running her face through a dishwasher load of pots and pans, and calling Tammy Faye Baker for eye makeup advice. Then, she’d finish it off by inserting her nose into the ass of a willing accomplice, just to get the right amount of brown on the tip.

2. Post-withdrawal Harriet Myers: Same as above, but assume the swagger of someone who’s been fucked up the ass for the last four weeks.

3. Fergie: These committed costumers had to eat nothing but bologna for three months, then stack on the ‘roids to get the proper musculature and crazy-in-the-head look. Following that, they had to assault an American Gladiator and come away with her outfit, and con a drunk whore into giving them makeovers while blindfolded. To top it off, they had to piss their pants and make themselves smell of vagina.

4. John Roberts: The best way to be Roberts was to buy an outfit from Talbots, and then master the delighted facial expressions of someone who’s been fucked up the ass for the last 36 years.

5. Kevin Federline: This look was accomplished by calling Vincent Gallo and asking him what he’d wear to his mom’s funeral, and then adding socks with sandals, a Starbucks cup, and a wife beater that says, “She (arrow pointing) just gave birth and I ate the whole placenta.”

6. Very famous bloggers Rob and Jordan: 1 part gayface + 2 parts scent of gin hastily covered with bad cologne + 1.5 parts fatigue of one who spends too much time masturbating + 6 parts clothing from TJ Maxx, the outlet – 4 parts dignity.

Update: Check out the comments for some good reader submissions.

We don’t make any money off of this site. We do it because we’re bored, and because we like to write about ass fucking and gin.

But the biggest payback we get for doing this site is being able to see what people searched for in Google or Yahoo to find us. I assure you, they’re not typing in “attractive, witty bloggers.”

In fact, as illustrated in the image above, some poor, sexually frustrated woman stumbled upon us while searching for “how to tell if your married to a fag.” She doesn’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re.” ’nuff said.

Well, darlin’, I hope our little site helped you find the answer to your question. But on the off-chance it didn’t, I would suggest looking into his past relationships and religious affiliations.

Oh, and Katie, we didn’t mean any of that heartless shit we said about you. But you did let him get you pregnant - we couldn’t just let that one slide.

Friday will be the PEN15 Club’s two-month anniversary, nearing 100 posts. Can you believe that’s all the longer we’ve been writing this shit? Amazingly, we’re already sporting nearly 300 visitors a day. We don’t know if that’s good or bad for a blog that’s two months young, but it sure scares the shit out of us knowing that a whole bunch of people are reading our personal and very private journal.

So, dear readers, being the needy, high maintenance bitches that we are, we thought we’d ask for a few easy things to help the next two months be every bit as successful as the first:

1. More readers. Call us greedy, but it gets us all wet at the thought of having a readership the size of O magazine. How can you help? If you like a post, email it to your friends. All of them. And include the word “brilliant.” Bookmark us. Check back every day for the latest.
2. A Blogads invite. You’ll only understand this if you’re a fellow blogger, but that fucking club is harder to get into than Katie Holmes’s diary. But we wouldn’t mind makin’ a little cashmoney off this beast, even if it meant inconveniencing you with a couple blogads.
3. Gin. Seriously. If you want us to be funny, we need a little inspiration from our muse. Her name is Sapphire. Inquire here for shipping instructions.
4. Another writer. Keeping you kids entertained is hard work. Considering we’ve got day jobs and all, the only time we have to blog is between tricks in the evening/early morning. And while we can’t retire off the site quite yet, we’d love to take on another writer. If you’re a regular reader, you pretty much get what we’re looking for. We can’t pay you except in underhanded compliments and the gin that gets sent to us, but we promise you’ll have a good time. Email an inquiry or a couple writing samples to us.
5. Links. Have a blog or a site that you think meshes with ours? Throw up a link and we’ll do the same. Just let us know.
6. Skrilla. Can’t offer help in any other way but still want to see us prosper? You can donate some cold, hard cash. This Interweb stuff ain’t free, and our entry level salaries make it real hard to keep the domain afloat. For the right price, we’d send you pictures of all the places on our bodies where we can write “PEN15.” Some of them are even serendipitous.
7. Ideas, tips, and general dialogue. We love hearing from you. I’m hard just thinking about it. So if you’ve got a shout out, a tip, or a general idea for the Club, we’re all ears. Our emails appear at the top left of each screen.
8. COMMENTS! Contribute to the dialogue on each post - write your two cents! It’s anonymous. And if we don’t like it, we’ll just delete it.

Thanks for making the last two months great!