So it’s come to this: I’m officially just listing people and things that are pissing me off at the moment. Ready? I am. Here goes:
Gen. Peter Pace. Dude, we know that the Lord told you to hate gays. But even you acknowledge that there are “wonderful Americans who happen to be homosexual serving in the military.” So wouldn’t you think that, especially during wartime (or, as it’s apparently known from here on in, “time”), the tactful approach would be to just not mention it for awhile? Let alone in a public forum? Again?
Kate Walsh. In the grand tradition of Sarah Jessica Parker, Debra Messing and Jennifer Aniston, television network executives, the E! channel and In Style have colluded to try to convince the American public that a pleasant enough-looking actress is the epitome of glamor. But while those actresses actually had decent comic timing and the good fortune to star in shows that were at least pretty good for awhile, Walsh evinces all the charisma of that woman who ran over your foot with her jogging stroller at Starbucks yesterday morning. And Private Practice, premiering tonight, has to be DOA. Please.
First Look. This hit-starved independent distributor doesn’t have enough money to release two of its splashy Sundance premieres in theaters, so it’s shunting them off to DVD in February. In the process, it’s providing a big slap in the face to some high-level talent. Smiley Face isn’t just an Anna Faris stoner vehicle (though I admire Ah-na’s moxie in bitching to the press about this), it’s also director Gregg Araki’s follow-up to the excellent Mysterious Skin and co-stars PEN15 Club honorary husbear John Krasinski. An American Crime, meanwhile, stars the awesome Catherine Keener in the true story of a woman who coerced her own children and a neighborhood full of others into torturing an orphaned girl (Ellen Page). I want to see these movies at my local Landmark, dammit!
Thus ends the Wednesday enemies list. Thanks for sharing in the venom!
Joint Chiefs Chairman Peter Pace goes out with a bigoted bang [Towleroad]
Anna Faris isn’t smiling [MTV.com]
Marc Jacobs’ Out cover makes us throw up in our mouths a little. And wait till you hear him attribute his methface/facial wasting to …wait for it…diet and exercise. Plus this honey of a quote: “Right now I can’t even imagine being attracted to someone who isn’t in a healthy place on all levels.” So I guess if your much-younger boyfriend is an ex-hooker, it’s the “ex’ that counts. [Gawker]
How can you tell that the Writers’ Guild of America is preparing for a strike? Because A-listers start signing on to obviously wrong-headed projects just because they’re ready for a green light. Hence, Drew Barrymore and Jennifer Connelly have agreed to star in Ken Kwapis’ film adaptation of He’s Just Not That Into You. To be released in A.D. 2008. [Hollywood Reporter]
Stuart Townsend got kind of fat. We always new Charlize was the breadwinner in the relationship, we just didn’t realize it was this much bread. [Egotastic!]
God has blessed The Duggars Inc., an Arkansas faith-based nonprofit…er, family…with its 17th child, who was born Thursday. You may recall Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar (he’s an Arkansas legislator) from their numerous TV appearances, in which they revel in the miracle of unprotected heterosexual sex and beg for donations.
The Duggars - who live largely tax-free by claiming their home as a church - anoint all of their wombfruit with names beginning with the letter J, so little #17 is named Jennifer (wait…one of their children is named “Jinger,” yet they hadn’t gotten around to “Jennifer” yet?). We can’t imagine why the letter J is so appealing. Maybe they’re J. Lo fans, and will be going en masse to see La Lopez’s new blow-pus, El Cantante, this weekend.
I really can’t add anything to the Duggar discourse that hasn’t already been said over at the Datalounge (home of the classic “Somebody needs to tell her it’s a vagina, not a clown car” remark, upon the news of Michelle’s pregnancy), so here’s a highlight from there:
17 kids and she had a 30 minute delivery? At this point she just has a waterslide attached to her womb.
So, when Jim Bob fucks her is there any sensation at all, for either of them? After the first half dozen kids, or so, it’s gotta be like the Holland Tunnel up in there.
Couldn’t have put it better myself. Praise Jesus. Here’s hoping at least 1.7 of the young ‘uns are gay.
Couple welcomes 17th child [MSNBC]
Couple welcomes 17th child - and wants more [Datalounge]
In the most shocking celebrity revelation since Richard Chamberlain came out of the closet, unemployed faghag Star Jones Reynolds has finally admitted that her drastic weight loss was due to gastric bypass surgery. And not just, I dunno, the cardiovascular benefits that come from chasing down a bargain.
Explaining her decision (in an essay for Glamour) to lie about the weight loss, Star evasively admits that she was “intentionally evasive.” She laments that she had gone “from full-figured to morbidly obese,” and claims that, in 2005, hubby Big Gay Al urged her to go into therapy.
And perhaps. She thought. That undergoing the surgery. Would make her. More desirable. To him. You know, sexually. Cough.
Anyway, Star’s decision to “come clean” at this juncture surely has something to do with the public’s embrace of a legitimate fattie, Rosie O’Donnell, following her own firing from The View. And the recent news that Barbara is likely to add the proudly zaftig Sherri Shepherd to the panel has likely made Star’s blood boil - like chicken gravy left too long on the stove on a hot Alabama summer day.
Don’t worry, Star. No matter how obscure and irrelevant you become, you’ll always be our favorite ambulance-chasing, shoe-shilling, product-placing, fur-wearing, fag-marrying fat girl.
Star Jones admits gastric-bypass surgery [ABC News]
Fat/sexy Gossip lead singer Beth Ditto, whose milky rolls are splayed on the cover of June’s NME, blames the gays (and the Beckhams!) for causing America’s eating disorder epidemic:
If there’s anyone to blame for size zero, it’s not women. Blame gay men who work in the fashion industry and want these women as dolls. Men don’t know what it feels like to be a woman and be expected to look a particular way. The Beckhams are part of the machine, Paris Hilton is part of the machine.
Beth’s gotten some backlash from the Towleroad commenters, who believe that straight women are to blame for their own postfeminist, cooter-waxing, nip-slipping body dysmorphia crisis. But I think she’s right, in part. I blame gay men, straight women and straight men, if not necessarily in that order.
I do, however, feel that the lesbians’ hands are pretty much clean on this issue.
Funny how when I first started listening to The Gossip, it didn’t really occur to me that Beth was as big as she is. But now that they’re getting more mainstream attention, they’re The Band With the Fat Lead Singer (remember when Keira Knightley tried to deny her own starvation issues by saying she thinks Beth’s body is hot?). I don’t recall this being an issue with any other bands with obese frontwomen like, uh, Heart. Anyone?
The Gossip’s Beth Ditto: Gay men to blame for skinny women [Towleroad]
You know you want this! [Dlisted]
We’re really sad about this. No, seriously. Our condolences go out to all the Christians who needed Jerry Falwell’s leadership to channel their feelings of fear and inadequacy into a decades-long campaign for xenophobia, censorship and bigotry.
Whoever said that the truly evil tend to live long must not have factored morbid obesity into the equation. Question: Will the Moral Majority still be considered a majority without Rev. Falwell’s voluminous, jowly girth?
Jerry Falwell dies at age 73 [CNN]
Veronica Mars had probably its best episode of the season last night, and Andy Towle caps what was arguably the best part. [Towleroad]
Fireplug-like Christian woman becomes pregnant with her 17th (!) blessing from the Lord. Datalounge explodes. [Datalounge]
On the other side of the political spectrum, if not the scale, Michael Moore becomes the surprise late entry in the summer movie spurt contest. [Variety]
Ensuring that Jessica Simpson’s enormous jugs don’t steal the spotlight at the Costume Institute Gala, Julianne Moore dresses for the title role in Here’s to the Ladies Who Drink Their Lunch: The Elaine Stritch Story. [Go Fug Yourself]
The CG-heavy lube-and-sandals epic 300 made tons and tons of money this weekend. It apparently had the biggest opening ever for a March release, and the third-biggest R-rated opening of all time (behind…ick…The Passion of Mel’s Anti-Semitism). It’s good to see dreamy Scottish actor Gerard Butler expanding his fan base from the mouth-breathing queens who worship Phantom of the Opera to the mouth-breathing closet nerds who love violent video games featuring musclebound, codpiece-wearing heroes.
300 isn’t the only new movie featuring scores of barely clad male actors. Terrence Howard’s new high school swim team drama Pride looks extremely Speedo-heavy. But if you go expecting a boyflesh bonanza, don’t tell Terrence - his Christian upbringing (and, presumably, gayvoice) has forced him to struggle to tolerate homosexuality as he would other ’sins.’ On behalf of gays everywhere, Terrence, thank you for your sensitivity (insert eyeroll here).
‘300′ bows to $70 million, sets new March record [Hollywood Reporter]
‘Pride’ trailer [Apple Movie Trailers]
Actor Terrence Howard: ‘There will never be a gay rapper’ [Post Chronicle]
Look, we’re really glad that a high-profile same-sex couple is embarking on parenthood.
But did it have to be turncoat/Auntie Tom Mary Cheney? She’s the kind of person who would issue a press release about her impending motherhood and then support her father in claiming that the story was a homophobic Democrat conspiracy.
Normally, if a famous lesbian couple got pregnant, we would be excited about the eventual possibilites - that the spawn would grow to become a sitcom star/board chair of a gay rights-oriented nonprofit. But with Mary, we’re kind of convinced they’re going to birth a future oil company CEO named Trent.
Couldn’t Ellen have knocked up Portia?
Mary Cheney and partner are about to be moms [Washington Post]
…Medium has a premonition about her superhot husband, Thomas Jane, leaving her for someone with less freakishly huge breasts.
Even Medium’s husband is skeptical, until he finds himself plowing a PA underneath the craft services table on the set of The Punisher 2. Didn’t Patricia learn anything from that bra-flashing scene she had with Mary Tyler Moore in Flirting with Disaster? Is this why there’s only one letter’s difference between “mom” and “moo?”
If she puts on any more mammary weight, they’re going to have to change the name of the show to Large.
Note: We realize that Jane doesn’t exactly look superhot in this picture. In fact, he looks like kind of a douche. But Jesus, rent Deep Blue Sea and tell me I’m wrong.
Wronger than wrong [Perez Hilton]
