I always thought that if I were to sit down and sketch out a caricature of a sleezy pederast, the outcome would look roughly like Lou Pearlman. Y’know, big lips, sausage hands, Transitions™ lenses, the whole nine.
So, for me, it’s only just desserts finding out that, had I been in a boy band, my parents probably would have had a legitimate reason for not allowing me to accept rides home from uncle Lou.
The next issue of Vanity Fair, hitting stands this week, reveals that the creator of such mantastickness as The Backstreet Boys and ‘NSync developed his Midas touch by training teenaged boys to sing into a skin microphone. Specifically, his skin microphone. Test one-fucking-two-three.
So far all of us still wondering who Joey Fatone had to fuck to earn his fame, the answer is the Fat-one.
Stories range from some innocent towel-clad wrestling, to aura-reviving massages, to plain ol’ oral sex. Oh, and mandatory games of hide-and-gang-bang-Lance-Bass.
Notably, none of the formerly-young pop stars have actually come forward with accusations of first-hand abuse, so don’t be so sure that the ol’ Pearl(man) Necklace™ is how Justin Timberlake got such a buttery voice.
Sordid Tales from the World of Boy Bands [CBS News Showbuzz]
Those of you speculating on the sexual preference of Project Runway favorite Michael Knight - a.k.a. the LaCroix of hot pants ‘n ho-wear - can settle your bets. He’s dating pop star-cum-single mom Brandy, according to the ever-reliable Star Magazine.
We’re inclined to believe that this celeb match-up is for real, and not just a Celebrity Bearding Scheme (or CBS, coincidentally the network that airs CSI). After all, what’s the point of a gay fashion designer pretending to be straight? And Brandy isn’t desperate enough to beard for a crypto-homo - she’s not a one-hit wonder like Blu “I’m totally into Kyle KY” Cantrell.
So if Michael isn’t putting the “’mo” in Moesha, we hope he wins Runway, so he can lay claim to the kind of celebrity he needs to maintain a high-profile relationship. Either that, or Laura pulls an Ellen Barkin and becomes the latest 40-something dame to “date” George Clooney.
Brandy in love! [Star Magazine]
What with all the fun surrounding Rosie O’Donnell’s lesbianification of The View, it’s sometimes easy to forget our emaciated raison d’etre, Mrs. Star Jones “I Wear Unemployment Like a Balenciaga Wrap That I Refused to Pay For” Reynolds.
Luckily, now that Star Magazine (quelle ironique!) has reported
that Big Gay Al is “shaving his beard” for good, La Jones Reynolds has fully re-immersed herself in her full-time side-job of Bitching About Stuff.
And check out this statement from her rep!
Mr. and Mrs. Reynolds have tried to handle these vicious lies and attempts at character assassination with quiet dignity for far too long…now they will pursue immediate legal action against anyone who makes false statements about their family.
Quiet dignity!? Whoa, Mary! Star could turn a routine gynecologist’s visit into an occasion for self-righteous grandstanding, an anecdote about a near-death experience, and a tearful thanks to God, followed by a “healing” six-figure shopping trip to Dubai. “Quiet dignity” has never characterized her “handling” of any “character assassination” of her “family” (by the way, Rep-for-Star, I’d be careful using the word “family” to describe Al in any context).
But it does raise the question: Now that Star - who’s not even employable as a Payless shill these days - offers no visible means of income, how long will BGA stay on the gravy train (and we mean that term in every possible interpretation), before slipping into a hot pink thong and prancing off to Miami Beach with one of Terry McMillan’s exes?
Star Jones: Emotional and stressed out [TMZ]
