Archive for the 'News' Category

They don’t call it the VatiCAN’T

Published by Jordan on October 14, 2007 in Career Suicide, News and Rants. 1 Comment

Another day, another story proving my point that every conservative and/or super religious person ever is really, really gay.

Today’s “wide stance” story comes from the highest of the high, the holiest place outside of Salt Lake… or heaven. We’re talking the Vatican. (”What?! Gays in the Vatican?! Next you’ll try telling me those women with the big watches and nice calves that bought all my fleece sweatshirts at my garage sale were lesbians! Ridiculous!”)

Monsignor Tommaso Stenico, a Vatican official, has been suspended after being caught on film hitting on a young man. The case is pending investigation, but, guys, this one really looks like a slam dunk. I mean, we’ve got (1) a guy who dresses like a priest (2) hitting on boys (3) on camera, (4) addressing the “gay sex is a sin” obstacle by, uh, telling them it’s not. I don’t see how he could possibly get around this, other than, heh, putting out a statement saying that he was pretending to be gay for research purposes or something like that…

Oh god. This is embarrassing. The Good Monsignor has just put out a statement claiming that gay baiting was part of his ongoing research into the gay psyche, which he conducts in order to better understand “those that damage the image of the church with homosexual activity.” And that he also didn’t tell his boss about. And that he also didn’t acknowledge for about 48 hours after he was busted. And that he learned his mad research skillz from the likes of Sean Cody, Corbin Fischer, and the dudes that run the Bait Bus. (If you don’t get those references, a little googling from the privacy of your own home will go a long way. Just keep your wallet in your pocket.)

So, thanks to Larry Craig, this Vatican guy, and Wentworth Miller, we all now know that it takes anywhere between 48 hours and 3 months to come up with a completely reasonable (read: hetero) story for why you might have been caught trying to solicit gay sex.

And in case you’re keeping track, that’s: Mark Foley, Bob Allen, Ted Haggard, Larry Craig, Joey DiFatta, Tommaso Stenico, and a few thousand Catholic priests that are still all completely into chicks.

And these are the ones that got caught… being misunderstood as gay.

Update: And just because I might not have another chance to post today, I’ll add Monday’s GOP arrest to this post: Donald Fleischman, the chair of Wisconsin’s republican party, has been charged with performing sexual acts on an underage boy. In 48 hours, we’re expected to have a story of how he came home from an event at an orphanage a little drunk, crawled into bed, and dismayed to find (after the deed had been done) that instead of his wife in bed next to him, one of the neighbor boys had crawled in through the window to retreieve a frisbee, and was suddenly overcome with sleepiness.

Oral-Town

Published by Jordan on October 2, 2007 in Career Suicide, Celebs, Music and News. 2 Comments

I always thought that if I were to sit down and sketch out a caricature of a sleezy pederast, the outcome would look roughly like Lou Pearlman. Y’know, big lips, sausage hands, Transitions™ lenses, the whole nine.

So, for me, it’s only just desserts finding out that, had I been in a boy band, my parents probably would have had a legitimate reason for not allowing me to accept rides home from uncle Lou.

The next issue of Vanity Fair, hitting stands this week, reveals that the creator of such mantastickness as The Backstreet Boys and ‘NSync developed his Midas touch by training teenaged boys to sing into a skin microphone. Specifically, his skin microphone. Test one-fucking-two-three.

So far all of us still wondering who Joey Fatone had to fuck to earn his fame, the answer is the Fat-one.

Stories range from some innocent towel-clad wrestling, to aura-reviving massages, to plain ol’ oral sex. Oh, and mandatory games of hide-and-gang-bang-Lance-Bass.

Notably, none of the formerly-young pop stars have actually come forward with accusations of first-hand abuse, so don’t be so sure that the ol’ Pearl(man) Necklace™ is how Justin Timberlake got such a buttery voice.

Sordid Tales from the World of Boy Bands [CBS News Showbuzz]

This Bush is off limits

Published by Rob on August 16, 2007 in Bitches and News. 1 Comment

captb2fc5f1416d846f8a866e6aa5dc28e60books_laura_jenna_bush_nyet185.jpgWho knew that with all the effort it takes to lose a war and help drive a nation into financial ruin, President Bush would have time to marry off one of his daughters? Jenna Bush (the really dumb blonde one, not the brunette Yale grad who looks like Kate Beckinsale mated with Mogwai from Gremlins) has announced her engagement to one Henry Hager of Virginia.

Word to the wise, young Henry: Jenna may look like your typical good-time party girl, but don’t cross her. Are you sure you want to enter a marital situation where your in-laws are the disgraced leader of the free world and a librarian with a taste for vehicular manslaughter?

Bush’s daughter, Jenna, to be married [AP via Yahoo!]

Duggar dugout distends doubly

Published by Rob on August 3, 2007 in Gunts, News and Potpourri. 5 Comments

070802_duggars_hmed_4p.jpgGod has blessed The Duggars Inc., an Arkansas faith-based nonprofit…er, family…with its 17th child, who was born Thursday. You may recall Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar (he’s an Arkansas legislator) from their numerous TV appearances, in which they revel in the miracle of unprotected heterosexual sex and beg for donations.

The Duggars - who live largely tax-free by claiming their home as a church - anoint all of their wombfruit with names beginning with the letter J, so little #17 is named Jennifer (wait…one of their children is named “Jinger,” yet they hadn’t gotten around to “Jennifer” yet?). We can’t imagine why the letter J is so appealing. Maybe they’re J. Lo fans, and will be going en masse to see La Lopez’s new blow-pus, El Cantante, this weekend.

I really can’t add anything to the Duggar discourse that hasn’t already been said over at the Datalounge (home of the classic “Somebody needs to tell her it’s a vagina, not a clown car” remark, upon the news of Michelle’s pregnancy), so here’s a highlight from there:

17 kids and she had a 30 minute delivery? At this point she just has a waterslide attached to her womb.

So, when Jim Bob fucks her is there any sensation at all, for either of them? After the first half dozen kids, or so, it’s gotta be like the Holland Tunnel up in there.

Couldn’t have put it better myself. Praise Jesus. Here’s hoping at least 1.7 of the young ‘uns are gay.

Couple welcomes 17th child [MSNBC]
Couple welcomes 17th child - and wants more [Datalounge]

All’s well that ends Falwell

Published by Rob on May 15, 2007 in Gunts and News. 4 Comments

storyfalwell3ap.jpgWe’re really sad about this. No, seriously. Our condolences go out to all the Christians who needed Jerry Falwell’s leadership to channel their feelings of fear and inadequacy into a decades-long campaign for xenophobia, censorship and bigotry.

Whoever said that the truly evil tend to live long must not have factored morbid obesity into the equation. Question: Will the Moral Majority still be considered a majority without Rev. Falwell’s voluminous, jowly girth?

Jerry Falwell dies at age 73 [CNN]

The View - Now 30% less satisfyingly dykey

Published by Jordan on April 25, 2007 in Bitches, Celebs, News, Rants and TV. 1 Comment

200607-barbararosie.jpgRosie, dear. For my birthday, I asked for you to make Elizabeth Hasselbeck cry. But now I realize I should have been more specific. Because I didn’t mean tears of joy. And I didn’t mean by leaving the show. Way to ruin the first quarter-century of my LIFE Rosie! Gosh!

In all seriousness, it’s kind of sad to see televisions most fantastically drama-laden show lose the one thing that didn’t suck about it. In her year-long tenure, Rosie was able to drive ratings through the roof and crack walnuts in Hasselbeck’s tightly clenched ass cheeks. She caused Trumpgate, Chingchongate, Murdochgate, and Generalmeanlesbiangate. She gave us something more interesting to search for on YouTube than “teen boy in boxer briefs flexing muscles.” Oh, Rosie!

The only thing happier than Hasselbitch and Rosie’s seat cushion has got to be Babs herself, who will no longer be called out on her WASPy two-facedness on the air. Because everyone the only thing more important than ratings is making sure you can still call in a threesome with Trump and Murdoch.

Au revoir, Rosie. I expect you to spend your newfound free time launching more gay family cruises to countries that, uh, hate gay families. Meanwhile, I’m going to bury my sorrow in… cake.

 O’Donnell leaving ‘The View’ [CNN]

Don’t tell me you didn’t notice too…

Published by Jordan on April 17, 2007 in News and Potpourri. 6 Comments

zach_vtOkay, I’m insensitive. To this day, I claim the real tragedy of 9/11 was that I cracked a tooth in half on my tongue ring while eating French fries as our country was attacked (this was before freedom fries, appropriately). I was the one who wanted Howard K. Stern to be Danielynn’s daddy only so I could believe Larry Birkhead was incapable of impregnating a woman on account of homosexuality [Update: I was half right]. And when the boatload of strapping Brits was held in Iran, I may have secretly been hoping that they’d keep the guys long enough for a little bit of televised nudity-related humiliation.

Really, a heart of cold, dead steel sits lifeless inside my chest.

So it should come as no surprise that I spent the day mourning the victims of the VT shootings… and fantasizing about the CNN-proclaimed VT shooting hero (article), Zach Petkewicz (video). He and a fellow classmate – a secret lover, I imagine – barricaded the door to the classroom, keeping the gunman out (hey, did you hear the gunman was a loner?). In his four-minute interview by an inept CNN reporter, our hero managed to 1) be adorable, 2) have adorably incorrect grammar, 3) deflect flattery, 4) speak clearly, 5) and appear to be somewhat shy. Basically the five things that it takes for me to dig my fingernails dangerously far into my inner thighs.

And on top of it all, he cries! I mean, of course, any human being in his position would be crying, but he does it in the most heartbreakingly sincere and touching way that I all but lost it at work. Sexually. I’d slide across sandpaper to drink those tears.

So, Zach Petkewicz, here’s to you. For saving 11 lives and making mine just lust a little bit more fraught with longing. Which is good, I assure you.

Win a date with the lad Vanderbilt

Published by Jordan on February 20, 2007 in AC:Crazy, Celebs, News and Potpourri. 4 Comments

andiecooper$21,000 can buy you a bare bones Volvo. It can buy 140 iPod nanos. It can even buy you 1,050 premium bedazzlers. Or, if you’re one lucky British homosexualist, it can buy you the world’s most awkward gay date. And if you ask me, if the date is meant to make notorious vagina connoisseur Anderson Cooper sweat bullets in his powder pink necktie, then it might just be worth giving up the Volvo.

Yet someone in the Cooper Camp seemed to forget that auctioning off a date with one of America’s most sought after silver-haired bottoms (right after Richard Gere and right before Tim Gunn) at an AIDS benefit, might draw the attention of some, uh, wealthy gays.

Well, British bachelor Oliver Hicks (could he have been named anything else?!) has won Andie’s arm for an evening of white knuckles, clenched teeth, and buttered buns. And also dinner.

Can you imagine how the dinner (or, as I’ve imagined it, brunch) conversation will go? I can. And will:

Anderson: So, you, like… uhh… supporting AIDS?

Oliver: Yes, um, it’s killed nearly a dozen of my friends. As you know…

Anderson: NO! No I don’t know. Don’t know what you’re talking about. I can only, uh, imagine. Oh my god, they have sweet potato fries here.

Oliver: Yeah, I doubt they serve them at brunch through. How did you know I wanted our date to be a brunch date anyway?

Anderson: Well, when else would we have… NO! I mean, uh, one of my PAs is gay. He suggested you might be most comfortable at brunch. Personally, I’m a lunch date kinda guy myself. I find it puts the ladies at ease. And there’s nothing like a Mich Ultra at lunchtime to put my nerves at ease before a broadcast.

Oliver: Oh, a beer man too, eh?

Anderson: Oh yes. Mich Ultra, Woodchuck Cider… there’s this drinking hole in Chelsea that has this wonderful ale with actual blueberries floating in it. Oh, listen to me go on. Hey, you have nice facial hair. Do you groom it to that length or does it just come in naturally like that?

Oliver: We should get out of here, shouldn’t we?

Anderson: Oh, so it comes in naturally?

Anderson Cooper Inadvertently Outed by Charity Auction [Socialite’s Life]

Do you like my dead body?

Published by Rob on February 8, 2007 in Celebs and News. 2 Comments

vertannanicolegi.jpgOkay, folks. This is really sad. Fabulous Anna Nicole Smith has left us for the great Guess jeans ad in the sky. I’m already in mourning - Anna was an opportunist and an addict, but she was also clearly a simple woman who was manipulated by a lot of unsavory people. Her recent, tragic experience of losing a son while gaining a daughter is the stuff of Greek tragedy - Trimspa Becomes Electra.

I wonder if Kimmy will get custody of Sugar Pie. And I can’t wait to see what Bobby Trendy does with the funeral.

Anna Nicole Smith dies after collapsing in hotel [CNN]

PEN15 Drippings: 2/7/07

Published by Rob on February 7, 2007 in Celebs, Films and News. 0 Comments

drewlondon01.jpg Drew Barrymore and Zach Braff each seem to have taken a, shall we say, comprehensive approach to dating other celebrities. So it was only a matter of time before they roundheeled their way to each other. You know they had a romantic comedy-style meet-cute in which Drew was carrying a cafeteria tray, and Zach slammed into her because his nose was stuck in a book of Shakespeare’s sonnets. Drew looked adorable covered in mashed potatoes and ham steak, and it was love. [Page Six]

Ghost Rider is the most expensive film ever to not pre-screen for critics?! But I thought Nicolas Cage had an unerring eye for quality projects! And that the writer-director of Daredevil would really find his voice with this one. [NY Post]

John Amaechi is one gay guy for whom “laying up” doesn’t mean fucking someone who makes more money than you do. [OutSports]