Archive for the 'Politics' Category

Brown Rice and Evian

Published by Jordan on February 28, 2006 in Bitches, Gunts, News and Politics. 1 Comment

Condoleezza Rice 2To prove that she knows how to use more fitness machines than the Ronco Mouth Stretcher, Condoleezza Rice is allowing an NBC news affiliate to film her morning workout routine.

We’ve been lucky enough to preview Ms. Rice’s exercise tips, and are proud to present them to you now:

  1. Do 3 sets of 12 (State) Reps for increased (wedge issue) support
  2. Pretend like you enjoy holding medicine balls even though you’d rather molest use that thigh master
  3. To achieve that arching fivehead, try Helen Hunt’s signature pilates move, “The Grand Dome”
  4. Spend as much time in the sauna as possible. Something’s bound to happen
  5. Strap on those gloves and take a few whacks at the hooded, naked Iraqi in the corner
  6. Let W hold your feet when you’re doing sit-ups - just be sure to handle the counting yourself
  7. Indian Leg Wrestling is a fun and healthy exercise – except for when it’s with Alberto Gonzales. Then it’s Mexican Leg Wrestling, which is far more dangerous
  8. The gap in my teeth? Ironically, it’s from boxing Barbara Boxer
  9. The stationary bike is great cardio… if you can get Barney Frank to put the seat back on it
  10. Squats. And lots of them

Rice shares workout tips on television [Yahoo! News]

Dick hunt

Published by Rob on February 12, 2006 in Bitches, Celebs and Politics. 4 Comments

200602121617-1 Frighteningly Mr. Burns-esque Vice President Dick Cheney cemented his reputation for cartoonish supervillainy Saturday by “accidentally” shooting his 78-year-old hunting buddy. The old man, Texas attorney Harry Whittington, was “alert and doing fine” after being rushed to the hospital.

Why did Cheney shoot Whittington in the first place? Sources say that when Whittington was talking about a “duck hunt,” Cheney thought he was referring to the VP’s wife, Lynne. This made Cheney angry, although he himself has called her much worse. Reports say Cheney “sprayed [Whittington] with shotgun pellets,” making it the most unfortunate spraying involving a high-level White House staffer since Karl Rove ruined his favorite rentboy’s futon.

Cheney accidentally shoots hunting buddy [CNN]

Dems: GOP igniting buzzword ’stunt,’ a stunt

Published by Jordan on November 2, 2005 in News and Politics. 1 Comment

Top.Frist.TueOh great. Here we go. The Dems go and do something they should have done a long time ago, and since it involved moving the media out of the room and dimming the lights in the senate chamber, it could only be one of two things: Harry Reid and Barbara Boxer finally christening the rostrum, or a flashy, showy, horrible political ‘stunt.’

So now, we’re going to have to put up with the words ‘stunt‘ and ‘hijacked’ ad nauseam for the next 48-hours.

But the PEN15 Club has learned that secret sessions aren’t the only stunts that the legislature has up its sleeves. In fact, there are many feats that are far more impressive, yet fly discreetly under the radar, that the lawmakers are capable of.

  • Congressman Tom DeLay is said to have the ability to reach behind a wide-eyed child’s ear and produce $40,000 for his campaign coffers.
  • Trent Lott has the amazing ability to offend and alienate a massive portion of the U.S. population in a matter of seconds.
  • Senator Harry Reid can blow himself. For hours and hours. It’s phenomenal. Like fucking poetry.
  • Senatress Barbara Boxer, who is looking graceful well into her eleventies, can still contort her face into hysterics multiple times per session, despite all the Botox.
  • Senator Hillary Clinton has the ability to sum up the entire Democratic party’s message in one or two brilliantly delivered sentences, without really denying that she’s a lesbian.
  • Senator Norm Coleman of Minnesota can still take away people’s rights from the senate, despite being haunted by the very angry ghost of Paul Wellstone.
  • Senator Rick Santorum’s soul is blacker than anything you’ve ever seen. And for an extra dollar, he’ll let you take a picture with it.
  • Senator John McCain still has people convinced he’s a Republican.
  • Senator Ted Kennedy is singlehandedly responsible for the success of the whisky industry, and to prove it, he can make his nose glow red for a small donation to a good cause.

Trent Lott’s big white tent [Crooks and Liars]

The PEN15 Club gays in on Alito

Published by Jordan on November 1, 2005 in News and Politics. 3 Comments

Philalito 1-1George Bush has quenched the burning fury of his radical right base by giving them a soothing golden shower and nominating uber-neocon Sam Alito to sit in on Harriet Miers’ hot seat. And while this half of the Clubhouse is proud of his big, leftward slung, tree-fucking wang, I’m kinda thinking that maybe my team should just save its breath for more pressing matters, like when Bush decides to sell Massachusetts to Citibank. Face it; isn’t this exactly what was expected?

I mean, how conservative can this guy be when his son has definitely tasted cock and hasn’t been struck by lightning just by standing that close to a visage of Clinton? In fact, I’m willing to guess that Alito promised his boy to John Roberts in order to get the nomination.

And I don’t think we’ve seen the end of Harriet Miers either. She’s apparently Alito’s wife, Martha’s, personal stylist.

Hat tip to our boyfriend at The Malcontent for the photo and the, uh, perspective.

Harriet Pulls Out

Published by Jordan on October 27, 2005 in News and Politics. 4 Comments

MierswithdrawlThe world finally learned today why Harriet Miers looks so pale, shaky, and emaciated. Finally, the dark circles around her eyes and frazzled, thinning, unstyled hair were explained.

She’s been suffering from withdrawal syndrome.

Miers withdraws Supreme Court nomination [CNN]

Hiel Ignorance

Published by Jordan on October 24, 2005 in Bitches, News and Politics. 2 Comments

Dscn0105Oh my god. They’re totally like MK and Ash. Except they’re wearing shirts with little adorable cartoon Hitlers on them! Couldn’t you the bottle ‘em up and sell ‘em at cost?

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Prussian Blue, the next big white supremacist, anti-semite pop sensation to hit the music charts. Straight from Bakersfield, these twin Aryan cuties are hatin’ their way through the cluttered racism/pop-music scene. Good luck, girls; that’s a crowded room. Even ABC News is a bit skeptical.

The girls’ website is real classy, complete with photos of them in lederhosen and links to their homemade music videos that you can buy for only $1.99 and download to your iPod. That’s a bargain at twice the price! You can’t put a value on being able to have your bigotry preachin’ on the go.

I mean, their music isn’t even that good. The lyrics are kind of whiny and contrived, at best. It’s like Leelee Sobieski went all white power and tried to write about it:

He fought so strong for our race. We’re finally back in our place. It took his life, my dear son, and now it’s over the war is won. Our Race was saved because the lives that were sacrificed: those men that died…

It might come as a bit of a shock, but the girls are actually having a difficult time getting their foot in the door, even in the county fair circuit. Recently, they were dropped from the lineup at the Bakersfield County Fair - but no, not because they sing about killing people of different races, but because the fair’s organizer was weary of “security concerns.”

Well, ladies, maybe you’ll have better luck in Belfast. But in the meantime, when we’re looking for “cute,” we’ll stick to sources far more universally acceptable.

May every red blooded American straight boy get off while watching you two do it with each other in the video your sick and twisted parents made you create for more publicity. That’s my wish for you.

P15 Exclusive: Harriet Miers’s real answers

Published by Jordan on October 20, 2005 in Bitches, News and Politics. 2 Comments

Miers-1The NY Times has reported that Harriet Miers has been asked by members of the Senate Judiciary Committee to resubmit some of her judicial questionnaire, claiming that many of her answers were “’inadequate,’ ‘insufficient,’ and ‘insulting,’” apparently not realizing that out of all the words that begin with “in-,” they selected two that virtually mean the same thing.

The PEN15 Club, however, wonders just how insulting her original answers were, so we’ve gotten its dirty, dirty hands on some of Harriet Miers’s original judicial questionnaire, and would like to share her answers with you.

Q: While pouring through the mountains for (irrelevant) information on you, what will The Committee learn about your judicial beliefs?

A: They will learn that I actually look like a lap dog. I don’t know what the hell a lap dog is, but I imagine it would have hair like mine; know very little about being a judge, like me; and try to make sweet love to its Master’s leg whenever possible, like I do.

Q: Would you describe your political beliefs and conservative, liberal, or somewhere in between?

A: If I, myself, didn’t look like roadkill, I’d make a juvenile joke here about how your mother is ugly, and how I fucked your dad. But to answer your question, I’d say both conservative - as in what I’m willing to spend on my wardrobe, and liberal - as in how much eyeliner I use.

Q: Are you qualified to serve on our nation’s highest court?

A: I will phrase the answer to this question in the form of a haiku: I may be pan-faced / but much of my life has been / spent watching Night Court.

Q: What are your thoughts on abortion?

A: I am against abortion, except in cases of rape, incest, or chances the baby will be adopted by a couple of fags - except if one of the fags is that nice homo from Oprah’s show. He’s precious.

Q: And what about gay marriage?

A: You know that face people make right before they’re about to sneeze? I look like that ALL THE TIME.

Supreme court nominee is asked to redo response to questions [NYT]

When real life is funnier than Photoshop…

Published by Jordan on September 14, 2005 in Politics and Rants. 6 Comments

78498Click to enlarge and read it yourself, but the note actually says “I think I may need a bathroom break?” and the person writing it is our president. Moments later, he stepped outdoors, returning after 10 minutes or so exclaiming, “Good thing I already made a shit-hole out of all of New Orleans!”

Following that episode, Condi passed him a note stating only, “I’m on the rag, George. Microphones attached to tables make me so horny when I’m having the painters in, if you know what I mean.”

How long until Bakersfield secedes?

Published by Jordan on September 7, 2005 in News and Politics. 0 Comments

2BumsBecoming the first state in the nation to create a law legalizing gay nuptials, the Golden Shower State that brought us gay icons such as The Castro, Gavin Newsom, Hollywood, and assless chaps now looks to Governor Schwatzenegger for the final sign off.

The Governor is expected to veto the bill because, he believes, the gay marriage debate should be decided by the courts. Which is, incidentally, the exact opposite thoughts of the bigots running the state where gay marriage was legalized by the courts. That’s neither here nor there.

And now, I’d like to present a few reasons why it would be in Arnold’s best interest to sign off on this bill:

  1. According to this picture, his body is actually made up of multiple small asses, each of which is clearly insatiably cock hungry. He’s unquestionably and quite literally a gay icon.
  2. Without a bunch of well-spirited gays around, who’s going to convince Maria that she doesn’t look like the dehydrated corpse of a rabies-infected monkey, awkwardly brought to life by gallons of Botox and pounds of crystal meth?
  3. This video. Why wouldn’t Arnold want everyone to experience the joys of cumming all the time?
  4. Hating gays takes so much time when you’re so busy supporting Nazis.
  5. With all the attention focused on grooms in wedding dresses, Arnold would have all the time in the world to blackmail and ruin the careers of the women he’s fucked on the side.
  6. Nothing raises fledgling approval ratings like the political equivalent to a reach-around handjob.
  7. More weddings = more cake.
  8. Three words: adopted Austrian babies.
  9. Kettle, meet pot. Pot, kettle.

California Legislature Approves Same-Sex Marriage Bill [NYT]

Schwarzenegger says he will veto gay marriage bill [San Diego Union-Tribune]

Arnold’s Nazi Problem [Slate]

Arnold’s Misleading Mistress [Radar]

Careful what you wish for: John Roberts is definitely gay

Published by Jordan on August 7, 2005 in News and Politics. 0 Comments

pen15 club, pen15club, blog, gossipOkay, I may have overreacted a bit when John Roberts was nominated, with all that talk about guarding your pussies and green cards. And apparently I’m also some sort of fucking clairvoyant (note the title of the mentioned post: “Praying for a Gay Sex Scandal”), but everything is suddenly getting very interesting around this John Roberts character. Here’s a little background; all links will open in new windows:

  • 9/21 - First, the Liberal Media reports that John Roberts is gay because he once wore plaid pants and wrestled in college. (And here.)
  • 9/22 - The conservative Mainstream Media doesn’t get the joke, lashes back, accuses liberal media of terrorism, posts several animated waving flags on various blogs.
  • 9/23 - Plaidgate erupts.
  • 9/26 - Liberal Media suggests Mrs. Roberts might be a big old les-beard-ian.
  • 8/5 - The Liberal Media uncovers judge Roberts’ pro bono work for a gay rights group.
  • 8/5 - The conservative Mainstream Media admits that the evidence is irrefutable: Judge Roberts is gay (and so is his dancing, faggy, five-year-old son), but they’ll support him anyway. Dirty hypocrites.

I mean, how much evidence do you need? The guy wrestled in college, his kids (gay or not) are adopted a la Ms. Tom Cruise, he thought wearing plaid pants was a good idea, and he did legal work for the cosmetics industry and a gay rights group. The guy even looks just like McGreevey! Oh my God; they’d totally make, like, the world’s cutest power couple! And I would bet that their bedroom roleplaying would involve pretending to be constituents and common folk. And they would reenact all of the gay sex legislation every couple of weeks. Oh! Oh! And they could dress Johnny’s little kids up like American Girl dolls before returning them to the prop department, where they’ll sit on a shelf next to Tom Cruise’s kids, while the boys return to DINK-dom. The possibilities are plentiful!