Archive for the 'Rants' Category

Jesus and Patty Heaton kick Michael J. Fox while he’s down

Published by Rob on October 26, 2006 in Bitches, Celebs and Rants. 2 Comments

Hollywood luminaries Jim “Jesus” Caviezel and Patricia “Shrill, Concerned Mother” Heaton have spoken out against stem cell research and the evils of Michael J. Fox. Fox has thrown his weight behind a proposed Constitutional amendment in Missouri that would support stem cell research.

Backed by the all-knowing wisdom of a couple of professional athletes, Caviezel and Heaton imply that this amendment will give the state the Constitutional right to clone you and the ones you love. They argue that it will take years for medical science to develop actual cures - 15, even! Imagine - those huckster scientists, selling their snake oil! Don’t they know the Lord will provide? Just like when Heaton developed stretch marks after her 11th child, and the Lord provided her a Raymond raise to pay for lipo?

My favorite Heaton quote: That “low-income women will be seduced by fat checks” from fertility clinics looking to extract their eggs. Subtext: Not only will the state do the Lord’s work of cloning, but it’ll clone black people.

Response ad to Michael J. Fox [YouTube]

Has “Mysteries of Pittsburgh” been hetero-fied?

Published by Rob on August 23, 2006 in Films and Rants. 3 Comments

200608230813 I was excited to hear that a movie version of one of my favorite books, Michael Chabon’s The Mysteries of Pittsburgh, was all set to roll in the fall. The cast includes Jon Foster (adorable and so good in The Door in the Floor), Peter Sarsgaard, Nick Nolte, Sienna Miller and Mena Suvari - most of those people seem a little old, but okay. The director is Rawson Marshall Thurber, of Dodgeball fame (this is getting very abstract, but I’m still excited).

But the following plot description terrifies me, and if you’ve read the book, you’ll know why:

Foster will play Art Bechstein, a recent college graduate trying to escape the clutches of his mobster father (Nolte). The story follows the last summer of Art’s youth as he falls into a love triangle with Jane (Miller) and Cleveland (Sarsgaard), a charismatic couple who draw him into a series of exhilarating adventures that ultimately pit him against his father. Suvari will play Phlox, Art’s eccentric part-time girlfriend and boss at a discount book chain.

First off, if I recall correctly, the character of Jane has about three scenes in the novel and Art’s dad has maybe four. Forgiving the fact that Nolte and Foster have no business playing anyone with “stein” at the end of their names, the novel has nothing to do with anyone “escap[ing] the clutches of his mobster father.” Overcoming his legacy, maybe. But this should not be a mob thriller.

I don’t have a problem with the casting of Sarsgaard and Miller, although, again, Sarsgaard is a bit long in the tooth. Suvari as Phlox is an obvious misstep, as the poor bug-eyed girl has killed just about every movie she’s been in. This part was written for Lauren Ambrose.

But the ultimate red flag - the reason this Pittsburgh might evolve from a run-of-the-mill hatchet job to full-on boycott bait: The novel’s arguable second lead, Arthur Lecomte, the sad student dilettante with whom Art has an affair, is apparently not part of the picture.

Continue reading ‘Has “Mysteries of Pittsburgh” been hetero-fied?’

Of walking oxymorons

Published by Jordan on July 29, 2006 in Potpourri and Rants. 18 Comments

Queen1I know you’ve all been baffled at how The PEN15 Club has seemingly gotten rid of any grammatical errors and confused references in its posts. But now I shall let you in on the secret: I haven’t posted anything in awhile, and Rob has aptly kept the boat afloat. So now that I’m back at the keyboard, you’ll have to excuse us as our collective prose returns to its previous levels.

But tonight, instead of the latest news criticism and Dakota Fanning joke, I’m going to try something a little bit different. I am going to tell you a story. A story about baby dykes and Freddie Mercury. Bear with me. I found it quaint.

This half of the P15 Club is located in Jamaica Plain, which is the bearded clambake capital of Massachusetts. What I mean by that is that there’s a lot of lez to go around. If you’ve never seen a Dunkin Donuts that makes almost its entire profit off of hazelnut ice coffee and cherry pie, you’ve never been to JP.

I was on the subway returning from a film (read: cruising in the Common) and I spotted something that is becoming more and more common in these parts: a baby dyke. You know who I’m talking about. She’s about 5′1“, 150lbs, striped polo shirt tightly tucked into her baggy jeans, buzz-cut hair, and two or three variations of the Livestrong bracelet on her wrists. She wears the smug look of gender superiority on her shiny face, and the tail end of an Ace bandage peeks out through her sleeve.

This particular baby dyke wore a baseball cap with the Queen logo emblazoned on it. Yes, that Queen. The Queen that rocked us, socked us, picked us up and dropped us. On her back was a rolling backpack the size of a mini fridge, but seemingly empty. And to top it off, our baby dyke – let’s call her, ummmm, Lisa – carried a Discman. You remember them, right? And if you’re in a metropolitan area, you still see them sometimes being carried by the ”alternative“ set in some bold act of defiance. No, fucktard. They’re not retro-chic. Get a fucking iPod. Loser.

About four stops into our journey, Lisa took a seat directly across from me, and hoisted the luggage from her back. She gingerly unzipped it and rustled around inside for a moment. Form my vantage point, I could clearly see that there was only one object in the giant backpack, which Lisa soon withdrew from its opening: a huge fucking case of CDs. You know; one of those books - two CDs tall and two wide.

Continue reading ‘Of walking oxymorons’

The Jews made Mel drink and drive

Published by Rob on July 29, 2006 in Celebs and Rants. 5 Comments

mel.jpg
Now that the always-crafty TMZ has uncovered the real story behind Mel Gibson’s “incident-free”

Thursday night DUI -blaming Jews for all the world’s wars, calling a female officer “sugar tits,” and almost peeing on the floor of the booking cell - we think Mel could revitalize his career by starring in a movie version of the experience. It would all take place over the course of one night, with just a few sets and characters. Kind of like Scorsese’s After Hours, if Griffin Dunne spent the whole movie drunk and accusing people of usury.

The role of arresting officer James Mee could provide a meaty opportunity for openly gay character actor B.D. Wong. Hell, Mel could even direct it himself. All he needs is a title. Too bad Tequila Sunrise, Conspiracy Theory and Lethal Weapon are already taken.

Gibson’s anti-Semitic tirade - alleged cover-up [TMZ]

Puckerin’ Putin blows minds, raspberries

Published by Jordan on July 6, 2006 in News, Politics, Potpourri and Rants. 1 Comment

Vert.Putin.ApI long days when it wasn’t considered strange for the ruler of a country to go up up to a 5-year-old boy, lift his shirt, and kiss him on the stomach in front of thousands of bystanders. I’ll bet you Russian president Vladimir Putin is cursing all of those Catholic Priests that ruined it for everyone else. Okay, it was strange that Putin wanted to crawl across a broken Stoli bottle to get to the boy’s belly… but still, I’m sure his intentions were, uh, normal.

Okay, seriously. Putin. You just don’t do it. Resist the urge, compadre. It doesn’t matter how “innocent,” “defenseless,” and “kitten”-like the child is. You don’t kiss kids on their stomachs if they aren’t yours. Heck, don’t kiss kids period. It doesn’t take a whole lot of self restraint to not crouch over, not lift the child’s shirt up, and not kiss his stomach. Now, I get the social mores in Russia may be a little different and all, but seriously, until that kid is old enough to know you’re a whack job, keep your lips to your vodka bottle, big guy.

And to think! This from the country that bought us TaTu. Figures!

Putin kissed boy ‘like a kitten’ - [CNN]

“And then there were three” (hundred fewer pounds onstage)

Published by Rob on June 28, 2006 in Bitches, Gunts, Rants, Star Jones Reynolds and TV. 7 Comments

200607011001 It couldn’t have been better if Star had been dragged off the set screaming “You tell them I got fired! Tell them all!”

After Starzilla’s impromptu, unscripted “I won’t be back next year” meltdown on yesterday’s View (which I thought played like an acceptance speech for an award no one was giving her), the ABC brass wasted no time in barring her mesquite-flavored ass from the set. Folks at the Alphabet net weren’t wild about TV’s most controversial non-lesbian daytime talk personality bitching about her dismissal to anyone who would listen. So Barbara, on today’s show, mercilessly hung her out to dry, then affected sensitivity before moving promptly onto the day’s Hot Topic.

Uh, I have a practical question. Does this mean Barbara’s going to be on five days a week now? If not, is the show just going to be Joy stifling her rage while Elisabeth goes on and on about how she loves being a married Christian mom, and how gay people should just be happy with civil unions? What is to become of Big Gay Al’s leather thong allowance? I want answers, goddammit!

Maybe Star will help us out when she appears on Larry King Live tomorrow night. Although, given Ol’ Larry’s recent track record of asking timely and relevant questions, we’ll probably just find out Star’s thoughts on such pertinent topics as “As a black woman, do you enjoy Liza Minnelli?” and “Who do you think is sexier? Scott Bakula or Mark Harmon?”

Shooting Star [The Malcontent]

UPDATED: Fuck no! They took the video down! Well, if you missed it, sorry. It was enough to put the fear of Barbara into Debbie Matenopoulos himself. Er, herself.

UPDATED AGAIN: Waaaaay slow on the uptake here, but thanks to Robbie of The Malcontent for coming to my rescue. Fresh!

Fox-y boxing

Published by Rob on June 12, 2006 in Bitches, Gunts, News and Rants. 10 Comments

If you haven’t already seen it, watch as Fox News femmebot Julie Banderas ambushes raving Baptist lunatic Shirley Phelps-Roper of the Church of Protesting at Fag Funerals.

Shirl and her dirt-eating ilk have been picketing the funerals of perfectly nice gay people for years, but now that they’ve cast their cross-eyed gaze on the memorial services of dead soldiers, the folks at Fox have finally seen fit to take umbrage. Eva Longori-alike Ms. Banderas basically opens the interview already in high dudgeon, eventually calls Phelps-Roper “the devil,” and seems to save her most virulent offense for the Baptists’ implication that the soldiers were “fags” themselves.

You have not lived until you’ve seen one of Rupert Murdoch’s Playmates - I mean, lady anchors - get into a scripture quote war with a straw-haired, Bible-thumping wingnut. And you’ll think you’ve died and gone to heaven when the wingnut calls the anchor a “bimbo.” It’s like watching an argument between Ann Coulter’s id and superego.

Thanks, Fox News! Nothing makes us want to get the words “told ya so” tattooed to our foreheads like watching righties argue over whether or not God wants the U.S. to be at war.

WBC on Fox News 61006 [YouTube]

Polls that aren’t measured in inches

Published by Jordan on June 5, 2006 in News, Politics and Rants. 8 Comments

200606052128

If the pie chart illustrating Americans’ support for a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage were an actual pie – say, rhubarb, the gayest of all pies – it would be shared by Karl Rove and Ted Kennedy, Rove devouring the blue half of the pie, and Kennedy feasting on the red, because, ya know, he’s 3% less fat than Rove. The remaining sliver would be shipped in a styrofoam to-go container to Condi, who would immediately assume it was a subtle jab at her own sexuality, but then proceed to burry her face in the box and munch on the pink, fleshy goodness… of the rhubarb.

My soul always fades a little closer to death whenever I see the gay marriage debate appear on the front page of CNN.com. It just reminds me that people who have never suffered any sort of discrimination whatsoever are making important decisions about my future, and my ability to have a happy and healthy family life. It reminds me that I have to split my goddamned pie fifty-fifty with the gluttonous, obese, Jesus-fucking pigs that got us into this hate-filled mess in the first place. It reminds me that all of these despicable cunts are then going to tout my apparent sick obsession with the same sex across the front page of every media outlet, in a show of pointless political bravado.

Well, fuck you and the fucking missionary position you fuck in, fuckers. If you take away my right to marry (remember, this Club is in Mass.), I’ll just fucking adopt all of your fucking unwanted kids and raise them to hate fuckwads like you. How do you like them apples, Other Half?

Sorry. That got a lot more hostile than I originally expected. Conversations about pie normally end better than that. But as long as Dolly Parton remains married (and thus not interested in marrying me), I’m banking on this whole gay marriage thing working out.

GOP renews fight against gay marriage [CNN]

Are you fucking kidding me?

Published by Jordan on May 14, 2006 in News, Potpourri and Rants. 5 Comments

I’m not one of those people that likes to make small talk about the weather. Or succumb to the obligatory complaining you’re supposed to do whenever it’s been raining for more than 10 minutes. But c’mon, folks. I haven’t been wet this long since that summer I discovered how quickly the water slides at Six Flags shred board shorts. No, what I meant was, I haven’t seen this much water since Carnie Wilson’s baptism. But seriously, everyone start saving any email you happen to get from FEMA. It’ll be used against them when Boston slides into the Atlantic come Tuesday.

Weather

Weather for Jamaica Plain, MA [Weather.com]

Jake, are those snowballs forming in your beard?

Published by Jordan on May 9, 2006 in Celebs, News and Rants. 2 Comments

040212Gretchen1The ever-so-credible Us Weekly blog, along with a few other members of the heterorazzi, is reporting that Jake Gyllenhaal has paired up with US Olympic snowboarder Gretchen Bleiler. With a face that could only be seen ploughing down a steep, frozen tundra, Bleiler may perhaps be the first woman Gyllenhaal has claimed to date since finally calling things off with Kirsten Dunst (alias: Dr. Sunken Tits).

In a move that could only be considered a rearrangement of the sun dresses in the closet, Gyllenhaal has finally offered the payoff to all of those recently planted released photographs of him presumably participating in extreme sports. The PEN15 Club has learned that dating a homely chick with looks that make Helen Hunt’s facial proportions look normal is the standard punishment doled out by the publicists of closeted actors who’ve been photographed too many times with their boyfriends.

Okay, Jake. We get it. You’re not Toothy Tile. But at least there’s plenty of room on that forehead for you to affix a photo of Austin.

US Exclusive: Jake Gyllenhaal’s New Gilrfriend! (Us)

(Special thanks to Socialites Life, Just Jared, and Towleroad for all the photo links)