Yes, we read about Placentagate. In case you haven’t, the story is that Tom Cruise semi-joked to GQ magazine that he planned on eating his child’s placenta and umbilical cord upon its birth. We as a society tend to try to forget that there exists an organ that the mother must also birth with the sole responsibility of exchanging the baby’s waste for nutrients. And while we shield our eyes in shame of the organ, Cruise is likely looking for the world’s best sushi chef to prepare the nearly-two-pound meal.
But here is where Cruise is smarter than us: If there is no baby, he can make up any damned thing he wants. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he planned on implanting the womb in his own body for the remainder of the baby’s term, or sought to breast feed the baby himself upon its birth. The point is if there is no baby, he doesn’t have to do any of that.
I mean, Cruise has already convinced us that he was able to get a female pregnant with a child that has seemingly taken about 14 months to come to term. Why not just keeping piling on the bullshit to see how far he can go?
One time I was able to convince a coworker who accidentally got his not-girflriend pregnant that it was customary for the father to eat the placenta after every birth. I told him it was just something no one really talked about. And while he believed me for about 24 hours (I had others in on the gag, too), the plot was blown when I produced a recipe for Placenta Almondine. Tom, I still have it if you don’t feel like going raw on the morning of the “birth.”
Tom Tucks In [Megastar]
You’re Star Jones-Reynoldsed out. I get it. I’m planning on laying off very soon. But this is good. Call me crazy, but I kind of like Rosie O’Donnell. You know, the post-daytime-talk-show Rosie O’Donnell. The one with superdyke haircut and foul mouth, much like pre-daytime-talk-show Rosie.
But now I know why I really like Rosie:
“Here’s what annoys me about Star Jones,” Rosie apparently tells New York magazine.
“To write a book about how to be the perfect woman that she now is, and to leave out gastric bypass and the supposed gender-identity issues of your husband, it’s just like selling bullshit to the point that it’s sickening.”
“And she pushed away a plate of Oreos with Joy. They had new Double Stuf Oreos they had to eat, obviously, because they had a Nabisco deal at ABC, and Star goes, ‘I’ll just have one, because I have self-control.’ And I thought, Joy’s gonna say it. She’s gonna say, ‘You lying sack of shit, you can only eat one because you poop soup!’”
Poop soup?! I think Rachel Ray was actually making Star Jones Poop Soup the other day on the Food Network. It went something like this:
Ingredients:
- 1 C Starbucks Chantico Drinking Chocolate
- 1 bottle Hypnotiq, Malibu, or other trashy liquor that someone might mix with a cup of bacon grease (Boones will do in a pinch)
- 1/2 bag of pistachios, red. Shells left on some of them.
- 2 cans of corn
- 3 lbs ham - cured, smoked, boned, or breathing will do
- 1/2 C grape Kool-Aid, powder form
- 1 Pop Tart
- 3 C gravy (pork gravy)
Preparation:
- Combine all above ingredients except for pork gravy in a large mixing bowl.
- Beat. Whip. Churn.
- Bake until aromatic.
- Spoon into large frosting bag and cut wide opening in corner.
- Squirt in the shape of a coil into a bowl.
- Ladle in pork gravy.
- Serve hot with more ham.
Deeeelish. And thank you, Rosie. You’ve allowed us to have our Star Jones Poop Soup and eat it too.
A lot to stomach [NY Daily News]
This is huge, you guys. Lindsay Lohan has just admitted that she has a girl crush on Angelina Jolie. Can you believe this? What a terribly original and edgy thing to say out loud!
We here at the PEN15 Club are baffled by the fact that, when girls admit their sexual attraction to Jolie, it somehow cements their heterosexuality. You never hear Paris Hilton talk about her lust for Ellen or Jodie Foster (Eww! They’re all-the-way lesbians!), so why is Angelina so safe?
Pretty soon Hohan is going to blow us all away when she tells us other completely unpredictable things about herself:
- she made out with a girl at a party once, but it was to see two dudes make out
- she’s totally, like, “one of the guys,”
- she only smokes other people’s weed
- she has a ton of gay friends; in fact, her best friend is gay and she’s so supportive of that
- she loves Waiting for Guffman and can recite much of it
- Wilmer took “her other” virginity
Hon, call us when you’re ready to reveal your yearnings to be the rancid meat in a Pink & Kelly Osbourne sandwich.
Lindsay should stick to girls, not music [Hollywood Tuna]
Pink has a crush on Kelly Osbourne [UK-Flava]
We’re thankful for nonagenarian gossip diva Cindy Adams’ round-up of celeb Thanksgiving plans, but we’re afraid ol’ Cin may have gone soft now that she’s in her eleventies. First, check out this remarkably generous characterization of Ellen DeGeneres’ tendency to buy houses for her lipstick lovers, then dump them for a younger model and sell the house: “Anyway, a legitimate realty mogul, Ellen buys houses, fixes them and sells them. A person might say she has an edifice complex.”
Apparently “edifice complex” is code for “classic lesbian compulsion for settling down too fast with the wrong woman.”
And speaking of child brides, if you thought Woody and Soon-Yi’s relationship wasn’t sick enough, check out this new form of abuse: Soon-Yi claims that “Woody makes sure to tell everyone beforehand that I’m staying out of the kitchen, otherwise they won’t come over.”
Hasn’t Woody learned by now? You can molest a woman, you can take nude photos of her when she’s underage - but insult her cooking and it’s all over but the cryin’.
Lately, life’s been generous to Ellen [NY Post]
