Archive for the 'Star Jones Reynolds' Category

Star finally sings for her supper

Published by Rob on July 31, 2007 in Gunts and Star Jones Reynolds. 2 Comments

446242de-0018f-01b69-400cb8e1.jpgIn the most shocking celebrity revelation since Richard Chamberlain came out of the closet, unemployed faghag Star Jones Reynolds has finally admitted that her drastic weight loss was due to gastric bypass surgery. And not just, I dunno, the cardiovascular benefits that come from chasing down a bargain.

Explaining her decision (in an essay for Glamour) to lie about the weight loss, Star evasively admits that she was “intentionally evasive.” She laments that she had gone “from full-figured to morbidly obese,” and claims that, in 2005, hubby Big Gay Al urged her to go into therapy.

And perhaps. She thought. That undergoing the surgery. Would make her. More desirable. To him. You know, sexually. Cough.

Anyway, Star’s decision to “come clean” at this juncture surely has something to do with the public’s embrace of a legitimate fattie, Rosie O’Donnell, following her own firing from The View. And the recent news that Barbara is likely to add the proudly zaftig Sherri Shepherd to the panel has likely made Star’s blood boil - like chicken gravy left too long on the stove on a hot Alabama summer day.

Don’t worry, Star. No matter how obscure and irrelevant you become, you’ll always be our favorite ambulance-chasing, shoe-shilling, product-placing, fur-wearing, fag-marrying fat girl.

Star Jones admits gastric-bypass surgery [ABC News]

‘View’ commits harakiri

Published by Rob on July 27, 2007 in Bitches, Celebs, Star Jones Reynolds and TV. 2 Comments

070727_whoppi_vsmall.jpgSo The View has settled on two new hosts to fill the wide swath of couch vacated by Star and Rosie, and - surprise! - it’s the two most obvious suspects, Sherri Shepherd and Whoopi Goldberg.

The estrofest’s ratings have taken a predictable slide since Rosie’s, uh, unanticipated departure, and if ABC’s hope is that this slate will turn the tide, I think they’re out of luck. Goldberg has failed on television again and again, from her talk show to her sitcom, and both she and Shepherd are too benign to create the cutthroat controversy that The View needs to thrive. I can’t see either bringing anything like Rosie’s obstinate honesty or Star’s epic self-absorption to the panel.

Since the show needed at least one African-American panelist, Mo’Nique or Wanda Sykes would have been edgier, funnier choices. And I still think Kathy Griffin would ultimately have been the best option to keep the show both live-wire funny and potentially controversial.

Oh, well. I guess it’s just one less reason to stay home on weekdays.

Whoopi, Sherri Shepherd to join ‘The View’ [MSNBC]

Rivers run dry

Published by Rob on April 19, 2007 in Bitches, Star Jones Reynolds and TV. 1 Comment

20060823_rivers_260×220.jpgSo Joan and Melissa have been booted off the TV Guide Channel, their safety red-carpet outlet after having been bounced from E! (where they were initially supplanted by Miss Star Jones Reynolds).

What a burn…and to be replaced by harelipped has-been Lisa Rinna, who rode a couple of years on The Bold and the Beautiful and a marriage to equally lame ’80s throwback Harry Hamlin to inexplicable semi-fame. It must really hurt.

Old Joan may be past her prime, as her recent Bravo special illustrated, but for better or worse, she is the founding Grande Dame of Red Carpet Mania, and should be treated with some respect in that regard. And as much as I used to disdain Melissa for being a talentless, dogfaced opportunist, compared to the E!-vil Giuliana dePandi and Ryan Seacrest, her Rabelaisian wit is a credit to the medium of television.

Bottom line: We know a few old-school homos who are going to be pretty upset about this news. Meanwhile, Joan’s blog hints at forthcoming revenge, and I for one can’t wait for it.

Joan & Melissa replaced by ‘Dancing’ fembot [TMZ]
Stay tuned for new news [Joan Rivers Blog]

“View” takes head out of its ass, hires Sherri Shepherd

Published by Rob on January 4, 2007 in Bitches, Star Jones Reynolds and TV. 0 Comments

sherrishepherd.jpgThe View has confirmed what we all took for granted: It likes its token black panelist with junk in the trunk. That’s right, Sherri Shepherd has officially been hired to replace Star Jones Reynolds as what Saturday Night Live once unforgettably dubbed “a sassy black woman like I’ve seen on TV” (the “I” in that sentence being Cheri Oteri-as-Barbara Walters).

I knew Sherri was the right choice ever since she tactfully defused the Rosie/Kelly Ripa blowup by reaching over and grabbing Rosie’s breast to illustrate the importance of boundaries between talk show co-hosts. Based on what we’ve seen of her in action, Sherri seems self-deprecating and down-to-earth (well, for a View panelist) - more akin to Joy than Star.

So unless daytime TV success goes to her head, we don’t think she’ll be enlisting the entire cast of Soul Food to act as fur-draped bridesmaids in a seven-figure wedding (including in-kind promotional sponsorships) to a hard-living DL brutha anytime soon. And in admitting that, part of us died a little.

Replacing thick, black Star Jones with thick, black Sherri Shepherd [Jossip]

Star gets her closet in order

Published by Rob on September 26, 2006 in Bitches, Celebs, Gunts, Music and Star Jones Reynolds. 2 Comments

star.jpg
What with all the fun surrounding Rosie O’Donnell’s lesbianification of The View, it’s sometimes easy to forget our emaciated raison d’etre, Mrs. Star Jones “I Wear Unemployment Like a Balenciaga Wrap That I Refused to Pay For” Reynolds.

Luckily, now that Star Magazine (quelle ironique!) has reported
that Big Gay Al is “shaving his beard” for good, La Jones Reynolds has fully re-immersed herself in her full-time side-job of Bitching About Stuff.

And check out this statement from her rep!

Mr. and Mrs. Reynolds have tried to handle these vicious lies and attempts at character assassination with quiet dignity for far too long…now they will pursue immediate legal action against anyone who makes false statements about their family.

Quiet dignity!? Whoa, Mary! Star could turn a routine gynecologist’s visit into an occasion for self-righteous grandstanding, an anecdote about a near-death experience, and a tearful thanks to God, followed by a “healing” six-figure shopping trip to Dubai. “Quiet dignity” has never characterized her “handling” of any “character assassination” of her “family” (by the way, Rep-for-Star, I’d be careful using the word “family” to describe Al in any context).

But it does raise the question: Now that Star - who’s not even employable as a Payless shill these days - offers no visible means of income, how long will BGA stay on the gravy train (and we mean that term in every possible interpretation), before slipping into a hot pink thong and prancing off to Miami Beach with one of Terry McMillan’s exes?

Star Jones: Emotional and stressed out [TMZ]

Teddy C blind item: It’s Matthew Broderick, right?

Published by Rob on July 19, 2006 in Anal, Bitches, Celebs, Famous PEN15s and Star Jones Reynolds. 4 Comments

200607190803 Ted Casablanca over at E! Online is trying to out another male star - a married one this time, one whose man-on-man proclivities are obvious to all but his missus. And the readers over at Defamer, using said criteria, are guessing it’s about Star and Big Gay Al.

But why? Ted’s alias for the closet case is “Plumper Dumper,” implying a fatty - which Mr. Reynolds is most certainly not. Our shortlist of chubby, married celebrity closet cases includes John Travolta and Matthew Broderick (did you see him in that Producers remake? Boy howdy, Ferris Bueller has blown up like Beirut).

Ted asserts that the wife is completely unaware of her hubby’s proclivities. This seems to rule out Travolta’s beard, Kelly Preston. Sure, she’s a notorious space case (“Scientology rocks!”), and was dumb enough to take a role in Jack Frost, but that marriage seems like a classic, contractually obligated Sci-Fi-tology bearding setup.

Nope, my money’s on Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker. Ted’s alias for the cuckolded wife is “Bertha Broom-Rider,” implying “witch,” like the one SJP played in Hocus Pocus. Plus, he subsequently refers to her as “BBR” - three initials, like SJP. And if Broderick is gay, it’s hard to imagine the much-more-famous-and-powerful Sarah Jessica seeing much benefit to playing the beard. Somehow it’s easier to believe that she’s just too self-absorbed to notice.

Your thoughts?

One quelle surprise blind vice [E! Online]

The blind item guessing game [Defamer]

And you thought Kenan Thompson was the wrong choice to play Star

Published by Rob on July 8, 2006 in Star Jones Reynolds. 0 Comments

200607081855 200607081859 Before we take a nice, lengthy SJR sabbatical - and we will, we promise, just as soon as they make Showgirls 2 - allow us to toss this gristly blast from the past up in your charcoal grill. It’s then-Assistant D.A. “Starlet” Jones, pre-O.J. trial, talkin’ about the law in sleeves that look ready to bludgeon her. Seriously, this suit is what NFL linebackers wear when they do drag.

Again, my sentimental side wants to shed a tear for the portly professional woman who probably dreamed of being rich, skinny and glamorous. But just as Cinderella’s carriage turned into a pumpkin at midnight, sometimes the limo has to circle the block until a sufficient crowd has formed outside the church, sometimes the dream job includes co-workers that will sell you out on national television, sometimes the perfect (well, non-obese) body will turn your intestines into charcuterie, and sometimes Prince Charming is gay.

So to all you single, chubby career girls dreaming of a better life: Think long and hard about Star, and have some more pie.

Before they were unbearable fame whores: Starlet Jones, attorney-at-law [Defamer]

If a block of wood falls in the forest…

Published by Rob on June 28, 2006 in Star Jones Reynolds and TV. 0 Comments

200606282107 Look who got lost in Mrs. Reynolds’ expansive, metropolis-darkening shadow: Today was Charles Gibson’s last day on Good Morning America. Did you realize this? Do you care?

We don’t. At all. Except to note the irony that poor Charlie had probably staked this day as his swan song months before Star’s barbecue-starved hormones prompted yesterday’s flip out. 19 years of service to the ABC morning show, and this is what he gets. A farewell that’s a mere footnote, not in entertainment news, but in ABC morning show-related entertainment news pertaining to this week in June.

Hey, at least he got a kiss from Diane Sawyer - possibly a first for any man. (Mike Nichols doesn’t count.)

Gibson’s ‘GMA’ goodbye [E! Online]

“And then there were three” (hundred fewer pounds onstage)

Published by Rob on June 28, 2006 in Bitches, Gunts, Rants, Star Jones Reynolds and TV. 7 Comments

200607011001 It couldn’t have been better if Star had been dragged off the set screaming “You tell them I got fired! Tell them all!”

After Starzilla’s impromptu, unscripted “I won’t be back next year” meltdown on yesterday’s View (which I thought played like an acceptance speech for an award no one was giving her), the ABC brass wasted no time in barring her mesquite-flavored ass from the set. Folks at the Alphabet net weren’t wild about TV’s most controversial non-lesbian daytime talk personality bitching about her dismissal to anyone who would listen. So Barbara, on today’s show, mercilessly hung her out to dry, then affected sensitivity before moving promptly onto the day’s Hot Topic.

Uh, I have a practical question. Does this mean Barbara’s going to be on five days a week now? If not, is the show just going to be Joy stifling her rage while Elisabeth goes on and on about how she loves being a married Christian mom, and how gay people should just be happy with civil unions? What is to become of Big Gay Al’s leather thong allowance? I want answers, goddammit!

Maybe Star will help us out when she appears on Larry King Live tomorrow night. Although, given Ol’ Larry’s recent track record of asking timely and relevant questions, we’ll probably just find out Star’s thoughts on such pertinent topics as “As a black woman, do you enjoy Liza Minnelli?” and “Who do you think is sexier? Scott Bakula or Mark Harmon?”

Shooting Star [The Malcontent]

UPDATED: Fuck no! They took the video down! Well, if you missed it, sorry. It was enough to put the fear of Barbara into Debbie Matenopoulos himself. Er, herself.

UPDATED AGAIN: Waaaaay slow on the uptake here, but thanks to Robbie of The Malcontent for coming to my rescue. Fresh!

Pop the cork on that bottle of gravy: Star Jones Reynolds ‘fired’ from ‘The View’!

Published by Jordan on June 27, 2006 in Bitches, News, Star Jones Reynolds and TV. 10 Comments

Watch it again, kids, because if you’re like us, seeing naked pictures of Gyllenhaal wouldn’t stiffen your nipples like this gem.

It was rumored for oh-so long. Deliciously speculated. And now, in a lengthy, canned on-air admission, the incredible shrinking Star Jones Reynolds announced that she would no longer be tormenting us from her perch on “The View.”

That’s right. Ya’ll can stop sending in the tips, because don’t think we didn’t have email alerts registered with Google to let us know when a piece of news with the words “star jones reynolds,” “quit,” “really quite sad,” and “heartfelt” hit the press. We couldn’t get home from work soon enough.

It’s been so long that I have seen “The View” that I failed to notice how iguana-like Star has become… really, quite terrestrial. While watching the above clip, I kept waiting for Sigourney Weaver to bust through the wall and launch a missile at the leathery velociraptor in the pink coat. But to no avail. Instead, only a scripted statement that was as much an apology, and the joy of watching Joy feign shock and stifle elation. In fact, I’m guessing in the weeks to come we’re really going to learn how Ms. Behar got her first name.

And just as we all begin to wonder who’s going to try to fill the giant ass marks embossed into the world’s unluckiest sofa, the plot thickens! Star has reportedly admitted to “People” that she was, indeed, fired from The View. That’s right, folks. The woman who couldn’t admit that E! fired her from the red carpet, who couldn’t admit that she had an embarrassingly botched breast lift, and who couldn’t admit her husband has yet to locate her inner-thighs, has decided to open right the fuck up about being snubbed out of a tenth season by the Barbara Walters, the good witch.

Stay tuned for a Star Jones Reynolds retrospective. It may be time to retire the PEN15 category devoted to the beastress, as it’s quite likely that we won’t be seeing her name or face for a very, very long time. Unless, of course, you pay close attention to the models in Layne Bryant ads.

Star Jones Sacked From ‘The View’ [SF Gate]
Star Jones Reynolds: ‘I was fired!’ [People]