Page Six seems dead certain that it’s over for SJR at The View, claiming that Rosie O’Donnell’s deal to join the show was contingent on Star’s dismissal. This, if true, would deny us the one pleasure we would have gleaned from O’Donnell’s arrival: Accusing Star, to her face, of undergoing gastric bypass and marrying a homo.
Speaking of which, the source claims Oprah’s “special friend” Gayle King has been mentioned as a replacement - Rosie’s choice, we’re assuming. This saddens us, because Gayle, by nature, seems like a sycophantic yes-woman, whereas The View thrives on boorish, obnoxious ignorance.
And it is in the realm of boorish, obnoxious ignorance that no one could ever replace our sucked, tucked, lifted, freebied, sodomized (I’m assuming), cuckolded, starving wannabe authoress.
Right now it’s difficult to gauge the potential damage if ABC makes the announcement this week, although all Manhattan KFC restaurants were said to be doubling their supply of biscuits and gravy. Fearing an incident, the fur department at Barney’s has been closed indefinitely.
Jones getting ‘View’ vamoose [Page Six]
In what must be history’s longest pilgrimage back into the closet, Rosie O’Donnell will be replacing Meredith Vieira on ‘The View,’ according to Extra TV. And considering the alternatives (Connie Chung, Patricia Heaton and Soledad O’Brien), this decision marks ABC’s smartest move since it decided Josh Holloway should just stop wearing a shirt all together on the sandy shores of ‘Lost.’
Having recently returned to the mainland, Rosie is said to be adding her own special touch to the set of ‘The View.’ And by “special touch” I mean “overly-aggressive pressure applied by un-manicured fingers.” Some of the changes Ms. O’Donnell is reportedly making are:
- A new segment called The Echo Chamber, in which Rosie and Joy stand facing each other, shouting, “Echo!”
- Show to be broadcast with American Sign Language interpreter in the corner (what’s the sign for “indignant”?)
- Barbara will officially abstain from appearing on the show, lest everyone agrees to refer to Rosie as a man
- Meredith’s old dressing room to be renamed The BOXoffice
- Company daycare expands rapidly, but then stabilizes when Rosie’s kids are expelled for sharing photos of “square dancing night on the cruise ship” with fellow youngins
- Snide comments about Star’s vag now considered “fair game”
- Set dressing tweaked to allow for Rosie’s roast beef curtains
- Elizabeth Hasselbeck will trade her coffee for holy water
Why ever Rosie would quit her solo show only to take a gig with three self-ritious bitches is beyond me. But one thing is for certain: the lesbians are slowly taking over Daytime TV, and it’s about time we get to witness Kelly Ripa trade in her golden locks for a razor-cut side-spike just to keep the cameras on her, if you ask me.
Rosie O’Donnell Named Co-Host of The View [Extra]
Does anyone know where I can find video of yesterday’s Today show, when Catherine Keener verbally bitch-slapped bubbleheaded interviewer Jill Rappaport for asking Jennifer Aniston if - get this - Oprah would be throwing her and Vince Vaughn an $8 million wedding?
Keener, joining Aniston and Joan Cusack on the show to promote Friends with Money, apparently broke Aniston’s irritated silence by telling Rappaport, “I thought you weren’t going to go there. But you did.” Rappaport replied: “When you hear about an $8 million wedding, you’d like to be invited.” And Keener snapped: “And now you won’t be.”
Anyone who’s seen Your Friends & Neighbors, Lovely and Amazing or Being John Malkovich knows a well-delivered Keener insult is worth the price of admission. Remember, in Death to Smoochy, when Robin Williams called their sex life “experimental” and she replied that she’d “had firmer handshakes?” I hope she addressed Rappaport just like that.
While we’re on the topic of The Today Show, I don’t give a shit about Katie Couric leaving, but what’s gonna happen if Meredith Vieira replaces her? Meredith’s (very) relative sanity is the only thing keeping Joy from ripping out Elisabeth’s hair and using it to gag Star during the “Hot Topic” portion of The View. And is Today really the appropriate forum for someone who loves to talk about her teenagers’ sex lives and her own predilection for not wearing underwear? Although I guess that bar disappeared the moment we saw the inside of Couric’s colon.
Oh, the wonders of daytime TV. It sucks having a job sometimes.
Wedding rumor quiets Aniston, ignites Keener [E! Online]
You’re Star Jones-Reynoldsed out. I get it. I’m planning on laying off very soon. But this is good. Call me crazy, but I kind of like Rosie O’Donnell. You know, the post-daytime-talk-show Rosie O’Donnell. The one with superdyke haircut and foul mouth, much like pre-daytime-talk-show Rosie.
But now I know why I really like Rosie:
“Here’s what annoys me about Star Jones,” Rosie apparently tells New York magazine.
“To write a book about how to be the perfect woman that she now is, and to leave out gastric bypass and the supposed gender-identity issues of your husband, it’s just like selling bullshit to the point that it’s sickening.”
“And she pushed away a plate of Oreos with Joy. They had new Double Stuf Oreos they had to eat, obviously, because they had a Nabisco deal at ABC, and Star goes, ‘I’ll just have one, because I have self-control.’ And I thought, Joy’s gonna say it. She’s gonna say, ‘You lying sack of shit, you can only eat one because you poop soup!’”
Poop soup?! I think Rachel Ray was actually making Star Jones Poop Soup the other day on the Food Network. It went something like this:
Ingredients:
- 1 C Starbucks Chantico Drinking Chocolate
- 1 bottle Hypnotiq, Malibu, or other trashy liquor that someone might mix with a cup of bacon grease (Boones will do in a pinch)
- 1/2 bag of pistachios, red. Shells left on some of them.
- 2 cans of corn
- 3 lbs ham - cured, smoked, boned, or breathing will do
- 1/2 C grape Kool-Aid, powder form
- 1 Pop Tart
- 3 C gravy (pork gravy)
Preparation:
- Combine all above ingredients except for pork gravy in a large mixing bowl.
- Beat. Whip. Churn.
- Bake until aromatic.
- Spoon into large frosting bag and cut wide opening in corner.
- Squirt in the shape of a coil into a bowl.
- Ladle in pork gravy.
- Serve hot with more ham.
Deeeelish. And thank you, Rosie. You’ve allowed us to have our Star Jones Poop Soup and eat it too.
A lot to stomach [NY Daily News]
Is it just me or is SJR starting to look a smidgen like Katherine Harris?
A true story for you: I (Jordan) am one of them assfucking, liberal vegetarian types. It’s been several years since I’ve tasted meat that wasn’t from a water-dwelling animal, or attached to a Hollister employee. But yesterday, I sat in a morning meeting and began to devour the croissant my company force feeds us on a daily basis. But something was different! As I bit into the flaky pastry, my teeth sank into an unfamiliar flavor. I withdrew the breakfast treat from my face to find that I had bitten into layers of pink goodness – something my not-fully-awake brain instantly decided was, uh, rhubarb. I continued eating until a vague familiarity crept across my taste buds, and half way through my croissant, I realized it was ham I was eating.
I tried to explain to those around me why I spat out the chewed food, but instead of sympathy, I got, “Who the fuck puts rhubarb in a croissant?” from my boss.
Later on, as I clutched my guilty stomach, something hit me. There was a reason I ate ham that day – something that could only be understood by my deepest consciousness: it was Star Jones Reynolds’s birthday.
Happy Birthday, Star. That was my sacrifice for you. And your boned ham is in the mail, compliments of the PEN15 Club.
I wouldn’t wish near-death on anyone, not even the P15 arch nemesis Star Jones Reynolds. But I have to admit that I’ve found myself fantasizing about Star going under the knife and something terrible (but not life threatening) happening.
And it seems as someone down in hell was listening - and has some pretty powerful buddies here on Earth.
The National Enquirer is reporting that SJR went in for surgery four days ago to get her boobs fixed once and for all . (Now, as of recent, Star’s rack has been the source of much confusion. Take this for example. And then this. And finally, this.) But whatever it takes to fix a randomly inflating and deflating right breast apparently almost cost Star her life. That’s right: things weren’t all silicon and ether on the ol’ operating table, and soon Star’s bosom was hemorrhaging blood.
But the best part of the whole story isn’t the part about Star having “secret” surgery. It’s the part where her remarkably poon-loving husband Al couldn’t be by her side because he (re-read this if necessary) “was also in the hospital after he cut his head when he fell at his Manhattan gym on the same day,” which apparently kept him in the hospital overnight.
WHAT? If we’re expected to believe any of the story, do you really think we’re supposed to believe that Al didn’t actually cut his head after slipping on the gym sauna floor while playing a rollicking game of slap ‘n’ tickle with a fellow gymgoer?
Star, dear, we wish you a swift recovery – particularly because we can’t wait to see how the SJR spin machine explains this on The View next week. Hey, maybe Joy will yell out, “Yeah, and what about that time you lost half your blood through a gushing tit wound?”
Star Jones Cheats Death as she Undergoes Plastic Surgery [Enquirer]
A “View” first: Someone other than Star and Hasselbeck humiliates herself and a guest [PEN15]
I was fortunate enough to be home sick yesterday - fortunate, because it allowed me to catch The View, during which the four harpies sank their menopausal teeth into the cast of the new HBO series Big Love: Bill Paxton, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Chloe Sevigny and Ginnifer Goodwin.
All was going well - even Star was keeping her damn mouth shut for the most part - when, after Paxton and Goodwin spoke politely about enduring frequent love scenes on the show, Joy Behar turned to Sevigny and shrieked: “But the oral sex that you did in The Brown Bunny! How ’bout that?!”
Nervous laughter ensued on all parts. “Very brave!” interrupted Tripplehorn, desperate to break the ice. Sevigny adopted a “you gotta be fucking kidding me with this bitch” grin. “I gotta defend this lady’s honor!” exclaimed Paxton, and it seemed he meant it. Joy failed to rescue the segment. Sevigny pouted until the commercial break. Paxton, apparently, threw a fit backstage.
To those who say that if Sevigny performs an unsimulated blowjob on film, she better be prepared to answer questions about it: Uh, she has been. For almost three years. Let’s move on. If she knew that the career payoff for deep-throating Gallo would be recounting the experience for a bunch of hard-up hausfraus on a daytime talk show, I’m sure she wouldn’t have bothered. Or, at least, she wouldn’t have swallowed.
In case you missed it: Joy Behar asks Chloe Sevigny about ‘The Brown Bunny’ [Best Week Ever Blogs]
Sizzler: Bill Paxton and Chloe Sevigny angered by ‘Bunny’ question [Best Week Ever Blogs]
A reader directed me to this Washington Post poll asking visitors to rate their least favorite Oscar red carpet host in history. Currently, Joan and Melissa are winning, but SJR is a strong second. Let’s get the force of the PEN15 on her (god knows she hasn’t felt it before) and tip the scales against Star! After all, it’s been a few months since Star has tipped any scales.
And before you go about thinking that I’m biased against Star for no good reason, I’ll list a few of her top red carpet offenses:
- Not understanding basic humor
- Starfucking - not the masturbatory kind
- Taking every opportunity possible to talk about herself
- Taking remaining opportunities to talk about her husbands alleged heterosexuality
- This, this, and this
- Placating Paltrow
- Mouthbreathing
What are Joan and Melissa guilty of? Smelling like beef jerky and burnt hair? Making you feel better about your own face lift? Being classy and self deprecating? Who the fuck does Star have weighting this poll?!
Vote today!
(Reminder, the Oscar Liveblogging Gala starts tonight at 7:00 EST. Be here.)
You heard it here first, folks. Those of you who were hoping to score those $100 tickets to Dr. Bridget Hilliard’s birthday gala are shit out of luck.
In a related story, every boutique and fabric store in Houston has been entirely cleaned out of gold lamé. And the city’s dry cleaners have caused a run on whatever it is they use to get chocolate out of “cream formal.”
Praise Jesus, Dr. Bridge’s self-fundraiser is a bigger smash than Madea’s Family Reunion!
Earlier: Jesus saves…enough for a Louis Vuitton bag?
Brilliant Brick star Joseph Gordon-Levitt turns his own camera on a couple of rude paparazzi, who admit they’re trying to prove that JGL is gay. Sigh, if only… [
