No word yet on whether 19-year-old cut-and-paste artist Kaavya Viswanathan will have to return her $500,000 advance from that cancelled book deal. But we know that a Harvard undergrad with money - much like Scott Bairstow hanging out by the junior high school - cannot be trusted, and that $500k was spent faster than Miss V can learn to say “Tall, grande or venti?”
Luckily, Kaavya’s famous (and famously selective) photographic memory at least allows her to recall how she spent the advance. Plus she keeps her receipts. Here’s why she’s totally screwed if she has to return that money - and by “totally screwed” we mean, “will ask Mommy and Daddy to bail her out.” (Amounts are rounded ’cause, you know, math is hard. We couldn’t all get into Harvard, even if it is much easier these days.)
- $30k - SUV, to double-park on Mass. Ave. while she runs into the Starbucks 8 blocks away from her dorm
- $500 - short-sleeved polo shirts at the Gap
- $10k - amount owed to that woman who wrote her college applications for her
- $2k - bar tab at Red Line…that’s a lot of Stoli Raz and Sprite
- $150 - Harvard Coop bookstore, spent entirely on audiobooks in the chick-lit section
- $400 - iPod, for listening to said audiobooks in her sleep
- $84k - two years’ tuition, room, board - Mommy and Daddy will pay her back
- $1k - airfare to India for purposes of gloating to extended family
- $250k - Alloy Entertainment’s cut, for doing all the “packaging”
- $300 - Cliffs notes
- $150 - Sex and the City DVDs and Ben & Jerry’s pints, for those lonely Friday nights when “I have a publishing deal” just didn’t impress the boys
- Remainder - Satan
No encore for ‘Opal’ [Publishers Weekly]
Poor Ian Somerhalder. Such high cheekbones, such pouty lips. If women were as pretty as he is, there’d be no reason to be gay.
Sadly, Ian’s camera-ready features - and his dead-on turn as a boxer brief-wearing, Van Der Beek-stalking, yoga-practicing liberal arts college queen in Rules of Attraction - have prevented anyone from assuming he’s anything but a cock-hungry bottom (despite his vehement, often graceless, insistence to the contrary).
Now, like many a closeted male star before him, Somerhalder has gone and gotten himself a beard. No, not Penelope Cruz. Actual, ungroomed facial hair. Plus, check out those sneakers! And do I detect the emergence of a gut?! Abercrombie and Fitch must be getting earth burn from spinning in their graves!
Here’s hoping that Ian’s gay fans take this as a new trend, and that “chubby and disheveled” becomes the new “lanky and pretty.” Just in case, I’m going to have a beer-and-ice-cream float before bed, and promise myself not to exercise tomorrow.
Ian Somerhalder with beard [Famousmales Forums]
Ian Somerhalder clearing the air [Towleroad]
This is worse than that time she cut her hair.
Memo to Keri Russell: If this were an episode of Felicity, Ben would dump you, and Noel would decide you’re a nasty slut and give you the silent treatment. In this month’s issue of Vanity Fair, Russell adopts her best Scarlett Johansson-style pale-prone-naked-ass pose to promote her 5-minute role in Mission: Impossible 3.
Because nothing sells a summer blockbuster like a good airbrush job. Plus, where are her breasts? And why does the combination of truckstop-waitress eye makeup and a closed mouth make it look like she’s concealing her lack of teeth?
Anyway, because the last thing we want is to bombard you with images of naked (shudder) women, here are some gratuitous shirtless shots of William Moseley, the older boy from The Chronicles of Narnia. Don’t worry, he’s not quite as young as you probably thought.
Keri Russell nude in Vanity Fair [Egotastic!]
Mo’ mo’ Moseley [JustJared]
Having officially entered the Cranky Old Man phase of his career, Michael Douglas takes aim at those wily metrosexuals, lamenting the fact that the younger generation of men has started wearing cosmetics. Of course, Douglas is one of the few men we can think of who could be considered a cradle-robber for marrying Catherine Zeta-Jones, who’s gotta be pushing 70 by now. So the “younger generation” could be just about anyone.
Douglas also immodestly notes that younger actors are always telling him they idolize his career. Which must be why he’s starring in a new film with Kiefer Sutherland, Kim Basinger and Eva Longoria.
For such a man’s man, though, Douglas pays a lot of attention to celebrity gossip: He recently bitched in GQ about Brad Pitt’s love life. So, what, Mike? Grooming and cosmetics make you a pussy, but reading US Weekly is the new deer hunting? Speaking of which: lose the beard, honey. And I don’t mean Ms. Jones. Judging by the way he looks in this photo, Douglas is one of the few male stars I’m 100% sure is straight.
Michael Douglas says men shouldn’t wear makeup [Starpulse]
Michael Douglas bashes in GQ [Popsugar]
Wait till Joy Behar gets a load of this.
Here’s Chloe Sevigny, graphically nude, in the new issue of some magazine no one reads (NSFW, obviously). Why is it okay for chicks to do this kind of thing and not, say, Ryan Gosling?
All I can say is this: Looks like The Last Days of Disco isn’t just the title of one of Chloe’s movies - it’s also the era on which she’s based her pubic hair philosophy.
Chloe Sevigny shows her muffin! [D Listed]
If you thought Sienna Miller’s Old French Whore topless shot (NSFW) in Vanity Fair was icky, wait till you see this “I was young, I needed the money” nude frolic video from 2003.
Filmed during Sienna’s Pirelli calendar photo shoot, the short vid shows Ms. Miller getting awfully friendly with, um, co-model Lisa Sieffert on a tabletop in a bar. And check out the suggestive ice cream cone-eating in the opening shot!
The video isn’t narrated, but if it were, it would probably be a lot of: “I’m here with my best friend Lisa, and there’s something so…sexy about being in Italy, you know? Something that makes you want to set aside your…inhibitions. Oh my God! My boob just fell out of my dress! Hahahahahaha!”
Sienna Miller nude Pirelli video [Egotastic!]
I’ve always thought that Diane Keaton, as a person, offers about as much sexual chemistry as a Helen Hunt/Kevin Spacey love scene. In other words: not much. She’s like a modern day Mary Poppins but with a larger sense of entitlement.
Well, according to the New York Daily News, Jack Nicholson agrees. Keaton’s Something’s Gotta Give costar told the paper that she should “invest more in heavy sexual acts” if she wants to win his affection.
I don’t know, Jackie boy. Dressing up like Mister Peanut, as in this photo, is pretty fucking kinky if you ask me. But maybe there are a few things Diane could do to increase her chances at bedding a guy like Jack:
- Pull down those gloves and show us some elbow
- Or keep the gloves on and put them to use by doing shadow puppets. In my ass.
- Stop borrowing Jack’s eyewear.
- Get Keanu’s IQ tattooed on your ladybusiness
- Recognize the turn-ons right under your nose
- Prove to us that seeing your cleavage isn’t more rare than seeing Al Reynolds fucking a female unicorn
- Three words: World’s Strongest Kegel
Nicholson advises Keaton to get sexy [IOL]
The alternate title to this post was “Judi’s Trench,” but I thought that could have been too easily perceived as Judi’s clench, and that’s not what I want at all.
As it turns out, our gal’s 61-year-old bosoms were too voluptuous for the fitting gals at Victoria’s Secret to handle, and had a “difficult” time squeezing into the diamond-encrusted, $15,000 bra that was part of the Oscar schwag bag.
And you can ask the bevy of ladies and queers in the Costume Designers Guild that have had to shoehorn Judi into corsets, wigs, and, uh, parkas in the past – t’ain’t no easy task. You just know she bucks like a bronco with a lasso ’round its torso, and won’t simmer down until her funbags are secured and she’s half way to Whiskeytown.
Incidentally, the one who had a harder time fitting into the freebra was Bruce Vilanch, who simply solved the problem by going bra-less and telling people he was Chastity Bono.
Dame Judi Dench’s Oscar boob [FemaleFirst]
Santino:Crash::Daniel:Brokeback Mountain
You know it’s true. The sensitive, graceful, consistent frontrunner will be derailed at the last minute by the hot, flaming mess that inexplicably has gotten a pass from the critics. I guess that makes Chloe Good Night, and Good Luck.
Which means that the only lingering questions are:
1) Since, for the “models, this is also a competition for [them] as well,” who wins that horserace (so to speak)?
2) Will Debra Messing prove to be a slightly more useful celebrity judge than the barely lucid Parker Posey was last year?
3) After the judging, will Michael Kors and Nina Garcia unhinge their jaws and give oral birth to the pus-covered sea hags that dwell beneath their leathery hides?
4) Who gets Tim Gunn’s phone number?
UPDATE: Okay, so I totally underestimated Chloe. Maybe because I was actually rooting for her all season, and wanted to shield myself from disappointment. Clearly, as pretty as Santino’s designs looked on the hangers last week, Chloe’s looked way better on the models. Love her, love her shrugs. Plus you know Ms. Messing was drooling over the numerous opportunities for baby weight concealment offered by Chloe’s collection.
It does, however, kind of suck that the judges spent all season yelling at Santino for being too over-the-top, then dismissed him for being too safe. Kors & Garcia - them bitches is fickle.
Ebay has auctioned off the two bloodstained spooning shirts worn by Jack and Ennis in Brokeback Mountain for $101,100.51. Sadly, the studio has reportedly cleaned most of the bloodstains off of the shirtsleeves, but lucky for us, the spatters of santorum remain around the bottom (and by “the bottom” I mean both Jake and his shirt).
All proceeds from the auction are being donated to Variety - The Children’s Charity. That’s right. Hundreds of physically challenged children will now get to enjoy higher-quality jell-o treats bought with the money paid by two fags who desperately want to reenact famous cowboy sex scenes with the utmost authenticity. Follow that?
One potential buyer asks the seller, “… is this Shirt bulletproof, I read in a interview with Ang lee that they had a bulletproof shirt made for the film.” Silly bidder. Ang didn’t say “bulletproof.” He said “impenetrable.” And that was just a little fib he told Heath to make him feel more secure around Randy Quaid.
Jack’s shirts from Brokeback Mountain! [Ebay]
