Oh, to be a successful, fortysomething multimillionaire with rugged yet carefully manicured good looks at the top of your professional game. Regardless of sexual orientation, when you’ve attained all of your life’s goals and are still sort of young enough to be considered hot, it can lead you to act out in strange ways.
Tom Ford, who famously substituted himself for a balking Rachel McAdams on that cadaver-slab of a Vanity Fair cover, has found yet another opportunity to act out what is apparently every designer’s fantasy: to be a model! In this month’s Out, Tom and his Aging Queen Bikini Brief Tan Line can be seen cavorting in the shower with a couple of naked male models (complete with “macho” towel-snapping!). Does anybody else want to be a fly on the wall during the meetings in which Tom helpfully “offers” to appear, clothed or not, in these fashion spreads?
Halfway to the other end of the Kinsey scale (allegedly), we have Confirmed Bachelor George Clooney, who’s recovering from his recent motorcycle accent with his former reality show contestant girlfriend (and really, what says Heterosexual Midlife Crisis louder than that?). George is likely to eventually bankrupt poor Michelle Pfeiffer with the marriage-and-kids bet they made while shooting One Fine Day more than a decade ago. What Michelle doesn’t understand is that a settled-down George will never have the appeal of George the Model-Dating Playboy Who Has Probably Let Scott Caan Go Down on Him Once or Twice.*
*We like to imagine.
Tom Ford is a towel snapper [Towleroad]
George Clooney and Michelle Pfeiffer raise the stakes [Starpulse]
…with the requisite “flash my pussy while exiting a limo or luxury SUV” shot. We knew this day would come, as it came for Paris Hilton and Bai Ling (you’ll have to search for those links on your own, I don’t have the stomach for it).
In fact, there were strong hints of it last week, when Linds’ summer dress blew up while she was stepping off a boat. Close, I thought, but no cigar. It only counts if you’re stepping out of a vehicle, caught in that spot where the distance of the step forces you to lean back a little, at which point you think “Oh my God, am I wearing underwear?”
Except that last part never seems to quite cross the celebs’ minds, as they struggle to maintain grip on their shopping bags while letting the shutterbugs go Meat Curtain Crazy.
The pathos in this story - and there’s pathos in every Lindsay Lohan story - is that the Virgin Porn-style shaved Susie forces us to believe that she took bully Brandon Davis’ taunting to heart. We also feel obliged to point out that no one who’s ever exited a vehicle “Love’s Sweet Flower”-first has ever won an Oscar.
Lindsay flashes the firecrotch again [Egotastic!]
Lindsay Lohan upskirt: Real or not - is that the firecrotch? [Egotastic!]
We had a feeling Rosie O’Donnell wouldn’t be able to get through even one day of co-hosting The View without talking about pussy. Unfortunately, the pussy in question turned out to be her own.
Being gainfully employed and TiVo-deficient, we have to rely on online recaps to get our View fix (sadly, YouTube didn’t come through this time). The moment from Rosie’s debut today that peaked our interest was an anecdote she apparently told about bathing her daughter, who asked her, “Mommy, when will I get fur?”
Leaving aside one’s own personal issues about parent-child nudity, the fact that Rosie referred to her own vagina (even obliquely) on her first day makes us quake with anticipation of the horrors to come. Perhaps by week three, she’ll have made Elisabeth vomit all over the set by describing the varying heaviness of her own menstrual flow.
Needless to say, there’s a bizarre and disturbing Datalounge thread debating this very incident, as well as Rosie’s tendency to post naked pictures of her daughter on her blog.
Rosie straps herself onto ‘The View’ [Gawker]
Regarding Rosie ODonnel [sic] and her comment about bathing with her daughter who askes [sic] about her fur… [Datalounge]
What if a once-red-hot star staged an easy nude “candid” photo op, and no paparazzi showed up?
What if you were on vacation in the Bahamas, relaxing with a pina colada, and you caught sight of a topless Cameron Diaz frolicking with Drew Barrymore in the tropical surf? What if Topless Cameron then “sent her friends into fits of laughter by performing a comic robotic dance?” What would you do? I think I might take a bunch of pictures, then sell them to The Sun in the U.K. just out of courtesy.
Poor Cameron must have assumed somebody would snap up those shots, so that her Topless Self would be featured prominently and globally online within the day. But - yawn - seems like her tits are nobody’s business these days but Timberlake’s.
And in other Publicity-Desperate Celebrity News…
Cher hadn’t done anything in awhile, so she’s throwing her not-terribly-substantial weight behind a pressing issue: She’s speaking out against inadequate military helmets. Not for the benefit of American soldiers in Iraq, of course, but to protect pill poppers in skiing accidents.
Cameron Diaz’s topless treat [Female First]
Cher pushing safer military helmets [AP via Yahoo!]
This is worse than that time she cut her hair.
Memo to Keri Russell: If this were an episode of Felicity, Ben would dump you, and Noel would decide you’re a nasty slut and give you the silent treatment. In this month’s issue of Vanity Fair, Russell adopts her best Scarlett Johansson-style pale-prone-naked-ass pose to promote her 5-minute role in Mission: Impossible 3.
Because nothing sells a summer blockbuster like a good airbrush job. Plus, where are her breasts? And why does the combination of truckstop-waitress eye makeup and a closed mouth make it look like she’s concealing her lack of teeth?
Anyway, because the last thing we want is to bombard you with images of naked (shudder) women, here are some gratuitous shirtless shots of William Moseley, the older boy from The Chronicles of Narnia. Don’t worry, he’s not quite as young as you probably thought.
Keri Russell nude in Vanity Fair [Egotastic!]
Mo’ mo’ Moseley [JustJared]
Wait till Joy Behar gets a load of this.
Here’s Chloe Sevigny, graphically nude, in the new issue of some magazine no one reads (NSFW, obviously). Why is it okay for chicks to do this kind of thing and not, say, Ryan Gosling?
All I can say is this: Looks like The Last Days of Disco isn’t just the title of one of Chloe’s movies - it’s also the era on which she’s based her pubic hair philosophy.
Chloe Sevigny shows her muffin! [D Listed]
If you thought Sienna Miller’s Old French Whore topless shot (NSFW) in Vanity Fair was icky, wait till you see this “I was young, I needed the money” nude frolic video from 2003.
Filmed during Sienna’s Pirelli calendar photo shoot, the short vid shows Ms. Miller getting awfully friendly with, um, co-model Lisa Sieffert on a tabletop in a bar. And check out the suggestive ice cream cone-eating in the opening shot!
The video isn’t narrated, but if it were, it would probably be a lot of: “I’m here with my best friend Lisa, and there’s something so…sexy about being in Italy, you know? Something that makes you want to set aside your…inhibitions. Oh my God! My boob just fell out of my dress! Hahahahahaha!”
Sienna Miller nude Pirelli video [Egotastic!]
It’s noble, I guess, for Teri Hatcher to go public with the story of her childhood sexual abuse at the hands of her uncle-by-marriage. Or rather, I guess it was noble for Hatcher to testify against her abuser in another case - four years ago.
As for tearfully confessing it in this month’s issue of Vanity Fair, which features her in teeny panties and a “Who? Me?” dirty girl expression? Um, not so tasteful. Who knows - since VF had Tom “Let’s have naked girls!” Ford guest edit last month’s issue, maybe this month it was Oprah’s turn.
Elsewhere, Nicollette Sheridan’s publicist frantically arranged for her client to appear in a forthcoming issue of On Our Backs to discuss her lengthy and painful gender reassignment surgery in the early ’80s.
Teri Hatcher reveals claims of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of an uncle [Vanity Fair]
The PEN15 Club got it wrong. Earlier, we believed reports that Rachel McAdams participated in the Vanity Fair Hollywood issue’s cover shoot, even after freaking out and firing her publicist after learning that it was to be nude.
Now, we’ve seen the cover photo, and it’s not McAdams’ nubile body posed between Scarlett Johansson’s luscious backside and Keira Knightley’s protruding rib cage. It’s - ewww - the issue’s guest editor, horrible, creepy, over-tanned fashion designer Tom Ford. Ford is, of course, fully dressed, save for some seductively bare man-cleavage. And - double ewwwww! - he’s nuzzling poor Keira’s neck, or smelling her hair, or biting her ear, or something.
As if starring in five successful movies in two years hadn’t been enough, this creepshow proves once again that McAdams is the smartest young actress in Hollywood. This cover is the grossest thing we’ve seen since that Demi Moore nude-but-for-paint-by-numbers fiasco of the early ’90s.
Look how pale those girls are! Look how they airbrushed away Keira’s nipple! And what’s with the way Scarlett is positioned? Is she presenting for Graydon Carter? Or just pantomiming the severe ass-fucking that her career could take once this hits newsstands?
More T&A Trouble [The PEN15 Club]
From afar, Elisha Cuthbert may appear pretty in pink. But click on these red carpet shots uncovered by Egotastic and you’ll see that the actress is caught in a situation even hairier than when she stepped into that bear trap on 24. That’s right - girlfriend’s totally got a mustache!
Not since Tori Spelling’s first-season-of-90210 sideburns has facial hair on a famous female caught us so off guard. Now if it were Nia Vardalos or, I dunno, Doris Roberts, I would understand. But Elisha?! Inexcusable, young lady, in the age of electrolysis! Sometimes being blonde isn’t enough.
Elisha Cuthbert needs to wax [Egotastic, by way of JustJared]
