The slew of recent gay sex scandals has recently brought a disproportionate amount of attention to the world of public men’s rooms. I mean, because the real problem here is that the construction of public bathrooms just makes it too damn easy to have the homosex. Apparently a nice married gentleman that enters the bathroom to, say, blow his nose might notice the hole in the bathroom stall and think, “Hey, I bet I could fit my penis through that hole.”
And now, the public outcry for fag-safe public bathroom stalls begins. This is fascinating to me. There’s Jim Naugle’s plan for doors that automatically spring open if you’ve been in there longer than the standard time it takes to drop the kids off at the pool. Then there’s the MSP airport’s plan to install floor-to-ceiling fortress walls between stalls, making foot stomping and hand gestures things that are only used by Mummenshanz.
We here at the PEN15 Club don’t think automatic doors and tall walls are going far enough, so we’ve developed our own list of things to keep our bathrooms safe:
- Don’t patch gloryholes. Just rig the other side with something unpleasant to put your penis in, such as: a box of clawed kittens, tapioca pudding, something knitted by a grandma, or a vagina
- Play “Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls” on a loop to remind all of the “straight” bathroom patrons how gay they really are
- Toilet seat covers that resemble Perez Hilton’s thighs
- Posted signs with alternate, more innocent meanings for all hand signals that may be used to illicit sex: “Oh! You want me to make running water noises to help you?” or “I see you’re asking for a courtesy flush.”
- Change all “family” bathrooms into gay sex bathrooms. Because, really, what’s weirder?
And of course, the most obvious solution…
- One sign: NO REPUBLICANS ALLOWED
