This has to be the most bizarre 3-way daytime television feud since… well, only since Baba Jones’donnell-gate a few months ago. But here’s happened: Clay Aiken was filling in for Regis on “Live” on Friday (Kelly, if you can’t get Mario Lopez, wait!). At one point in the show, Clay got a little squirrelly, pulled his hand out of the ass of the bound leather daddy he takes with him everywhere, and covered Kelly’s cold, thin-lipped mouth. And boy, did Kelly scold him – one of those extremely awkward TV moments when the performers don’t even try to play it off as a joke. But then, she attempted to lighten the moment with the oh-so clever “I don’t know where that hand has been, honey.”
This is where it gets bizarre. On “The View” on Monday, Rosie called Kelly’s comment homophobic, suggesting that Kelly wouldn’t have scolded Clay if he were hetero or (this was funny) “a cute man.” But then Ripa calls in – because apparently the matrons of daytime TV spend all their off-time watching one another’s shows – claiming that she felt violated by Clay’s rude behavior blah blah blah, and that Rosie knows better than to call her homophobic.
How Carol Channing of her.
Here’s my take:
- You could probably go through the years of footage of Ripa on “Live” and find dozens of clips of her covering someone’s mouth or having her own mouth covered in comedic moments. I don’t think it’s quite the heinous affront she makes it out to be. [Update: In fact, Gawker has already posted a montage of hot Ripa hand-on-mouth money shots.
- That said, I can definitely imagine Kelly delivering the same “don’t know where that hand has been” line to others, but I don’t think it has to do with sexuality. Imagine it being Andy Roddick or Colin Farrell. The line would have been just as relevant. They’re young, a little rough around the edges, and probably don’t have clean hands. Now, imagine it being Clooney: Ripa would swoon. Okay, maybe Clooney wasn’t a good example. The fact is, I think Kelly doesn’t like Clay, but I don’t think is has to do with his sexuality. I think she took advantage of his youth and inexperience by embarrassing him, which wasn’t the right thing to do.
- Rosie is making a wide leap by suggesting that Ripa thinks Clay’s hands are dirty because he’s clearly off having gay sex all the time. Because all vaginas (I’ve only seen approximations) are sparkling clean. You could eat off ‘em. No straight woman would mind of the hand of a heterosexual male which, for the sake of argument, may have just been clam digging, covering her mouth. Right?
- But aren’t we missing the huge, pink elephant in the middle of the room? Isn’t it putting the ass before the carriage to assume that Kelly is being homophobic when, as far as we’re all concerned, Clay’s not even gay?! I mean, unless I missed something big, Clay is still dodging the question, and Rosie will have effectively outed him on national television. And there’s a difference between a comedian joking about Clay’s sexuality, and a daytime TV host using it as a way to make him a martyr.
So Rosie, shut up. Kelly, lighten up. And Clay, wash up. And Kathy Griffin? Where the fuck are you when we need you?
Ripa response after the jump.
All via Towleroad:
The View, Kelly Ripa Responds [YouTube]
Rosie on Ripa/Aiken hand covering [YouTube]
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